Perhaps you've heard the saying, "If you love someone set them free and they'll come back to you." This is a fine statement, but can we ever really do that completely with our children? Is our jobs as parents now over? Not quite. It could be that we're just getting started and we just don't realize it yet. Another stage is just beginning, and this one is all about ourselves.
According to new research from Insurer Zurich, "findings reveal that more than half (52%) of parents miss their children, with 42% feeling a significant loss. Another 53% of parents change the decor of their homes to reflect a change in family status; with 32% transforming the offspring's room into a study or a hobby room, (28% percent of these parents make the change within two months of the child's leaving).
Some parents speak of feeling older now that the children have left, stating that the activities of the children had seemed to make them feel younger. And now that the children are gone, the zest they once had in their lives is now fading away. Some couples struggle trying to recapture the love life they had before the children, but in most of the cases this is impossible to do.
Some couples just simply have nothing to talk about anymore. The relationship they once had with each other now seems to be a thing of the past. Relationships begins to fail, and now it's time to discuss whether they need some professional help to save their marriages. It seems like the transition from parent to mate for some is very hard to recapture.
Humorist Erma Bombeck said that empty nest parents don't miss the work of a parent but rather "they're just upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator." Everything feels like it happened too fast. Other scenarios are quite different with some parents very anxious for the unruly child to vacate the household.
Every family's case is different, with each parent left wondering if they've done a good job in raising their children. The ego now starts to set in; making us doubt decisions that we made in raising our children. Once we start questioning ourselves doubt takes over and rules the mind.
Author Linda Burgharts estimates that approximately 75% of the parents she spoke with suffered from "empty nest syndrome," with many of the parents stating that they "didn't really want to talk about it." Now the game of silence begins in our minds.
My wife and I went through an empty nest for six months that ended up with both children returning, and now we're going through it again; or I guess you could say in this case that I am. Our daughter was married and brought her husband back home to live with us. Now after a year they've moved out. I'm very happy for them of course, but my heart hurts to see her leave. And now I realize I also miss my new son; whom I have grown to love like a child of my own.
I guess in my situation it's a case of feeling unable to protect my daughter. Would I feel any different with my son? Not in the least. So where are these feelings coming from? And why did it bother me so much to watch my one hundred and five pound daughter being sworn into the army? Do I not trust the judgments that she has made?
Now that the children have left it's time to sit back and reflect on who we really are. What are we interested in, and how would we like to spend our free time? Many couples are left with nothing but an empty shell of who they once were. Their main purpose in life has now passed them by, and now they're left in a limbo state of mind. Their lives had been preoccupied with their children for many years and now they're left holding an empty bag.
Another stage of growth is now beginning in our lives, and it's up to us to move forward; leaving the thoughts and worries of the past and the future behind. The same person we were before the children still exists deep inside of us, but now it's up to us to search and find that person. Many couples have lost that former person and might not ever be able to bring them back from the past. Here are some helpful tips that might help to access that former self.
Advise from a recent survey suggests taking up a new hobby or sport; something that occupies the mind. Visit places that you or your spouse have never been to. Or maybe joining a social group might be something that could help parents through the "transition" stage. And when all else fails the survey suggests experimenting with some new sexual tricks with your spouse.
Now is the time to free our lost inner self, and let it breathe and live again. We might realize that when we find our true self there is a new person waiting there; a part of us that we had forgotten or maybe never even knew. Many of us have lost touch with who we really are. And when we find the new self waiting deep within us, we just might like what we find. Just like finding an old friend who has been lost in the shuffle of life.