by Angel08

Created on: September 19, 2008

My home, it was my safe haven. Outside problems are left at the door. Nothing but peace and comfort waits inside. That was then. Now I am nothing but a prisoner within these walls. I am a prisoner of my own fear. It controls my life and causes me to be irrational.

I do everything and anything to stay inside hidden from the world. I do anything I can online and have others run errands. When I was younger I had hope of things to come in the future. Maybe it was because of the innocence of childhood. Those days are behind me, and today I despise what I have become. What happened to that young girl? The one who was becoming independent, vibrant and knew there was light at the other side of the tunnel.

Everyday my stomach is in knots and my chest feels tight. It's so hard to breathe. I try to focus, but my mind continues to race. It's full of thoughts I can't get it to stop. I just want to be able to feel some peace.

My family is concerned about me. I tell them I am fine. I think they all believe me. Some even crack jokes at my expense. I have learned to just blow it off. At least it is one less thing for me to worry about. However that little voice inside me tries to get their attention. It shouts at them, "No I am not fine. Please help me." I can't even remember the last time I left the house and sat outside in nature the place that I have always loved and found comfort. As the voice gets louder I silence it with food.

Hours turn into days and days turn into weeks. It's getting harder to walk the 10 feet to the garbage can. I continue to suppress my inner voice with food. It's a love hate relationship. It provides temporary comfort until I realize I have gained 30 lbs.

My weight gain makes my self esteem and self image lower. I think about how ugly I have become. I stop doing anything with my hair and I hardly wear makeup, this coming from the girl who had a different style every other day and wouldn't think of going without makeup. It no longer makes me feel beautiful. Nothing does.

Oddly enough the only comfort I get is that I can hide. I will wear baggy sweat pants and oversized shirts to hide the weight I gained. I try to justify everything I do. I tell myself it doesn't matter if I order take out more, I only really need to leave the house a couple days a month. I tell myself I will get back out into the work force, only after I am not sick which is only every other day.

As each day passes I sit in the house. The fear of leaving intensifies and I remain a prisoner.

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