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As a relatively mature age person now, and having just gone past 50 years of age, I look back on some of my childhood experiences today, to somewhat sadly reflect, and to notice if most of the pain that I have experienced, and still experience now, perhaps came from certain forms of thinking, or defensive strategies set up by my young, and immature mind, way back then, only to cope with certain painful, traumatic, or fearful events, in my life at that time.

Ever since the age of ten years of age, I have never been able to study anything properly, with proper concentration, right effort and determination, motivation, or any real interest. I just have never been able to fully commit to anything much at all, and feel as if my half hearted, and half baked efforts, are all wasted efforts, and so over the years, I have wasted much time, and money on many study courses, which I have begun, but never completed. I would usually last a few months, or even sometimes up to a whole year, and then I would lose interest altogether, and then drop out, or cancel my course.

I had some type of problem with commitment, and also some part of my problem, I think being due to me not really knowing what I actually wanted to study, or not knowing myself sufficiently enough, to be aware of my own real interests.

Where did these thoughts come from? Why do I still, and always seemed to lack direction, and motivation in my life? Why am I scattered, and multi directional, rather than focussed on any particular areas?

These ways of approaching my life must have come from some type of influencing experiencing in my childhood.

I have reflected on this for a long time, and I think I have located the event that started all of this off now, but even so, how can I now, get past this pattern, established back then, to help me to be able to handle myself better, in my life now?

I was a boy of about eleven years old, when this incident took place in my life. It was the transitionary period, between moving from the completion of my primary school education, across into a new phase of my education. I was about to begin my secondary school education, beginning again of course at the start of this new phase, once more, in the first class, in form one. I had been through this before of course, when I had commenced primary school. I always hated to begin, or to start anything, from unawareness, and from not knowing, or with lack of proper preparation.

During the long school holiday break, I was determined, enthusiastic,

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