There are a myriad of reasons couples cohabitate, but the biggest one is very basic, raw, and understandable: fear. The media, the economy, our culture, ads that push perfection, and the lack of good role models OF marriage, help create and sustain that fear. Here are a few issues that stir couples up enough to resist marriage, heels dragging the whole way:
Marriage:
Marriage itself brings all sorts of negative images to mind for such couples; there's the fear that it can't be done successfully; that it revolves around "that little piece of paper" [I hate that phrase], and perhaps even the knowledge that there is no marriage manual to follow. Maybe if there WAS one, they might consider marriage. It would at least tell them where they are going wrong. What they don't realize is that no one "manual" would work for everyone. Because each couple is unique, every situation would be different.
Commitment:
Now THERE'S a word that's scary. If you are only living together there IS no commitment, just the desire to have your cake and eat it too. Couples again eschew that "little piece of paper". It's a trap, a trick, society trying to push them down a deep well. But commitment exists outside of the institution of marriage as well as in it; the difference being that married commitment means you put the welfare of your spouse ahead of your own through love. In cohabitation, there doesn't have to BE love. It's an added perk, but cohabitation is more like sharing rent between roommates.
Giving up one's independence
My single friends tell me how lucky I am to be married, that my husband and I go together so well, that they never see us fight, etc. But in the next breath they say how they could never BE married: it would take away their independence. They LOVE being single, going anywhere they want at a moment's notice, no family responsibilities, that they can eat whatever they want WHENEVER they want. The longer I stand there and listen, the more excuses [oh, sorry: REASONS] they come up with.
These are the same women who complain about the dating scene, and how much they hate it. Guys who MAY be dating them mention to me that all women are crazy. Basically, both genders say the same things to me. I seem to be the modern day guru they come to, to get things off their chests. I don't really mind. In a way, I even understand their fears. But the fact is, independence is just the word they toss around to explain to themselves WHY they feel they are dangling over a cliff from a thin rope.
Being like their parents
Oft times, couples that live together, do so because one or both of them don't want to end up like their parents. Cohabiting gives them a way to escape from the childhood traumas they were forced to live through. They view the idea of marriage through those childhood eyes; the arguing over who is "right"; the screaming fits of anger Dad hurled at Mom when he'd had a lousy day at work; the way Mom caved in, seemingly with no self-esteem. "Oh no," these couples may think, "that will never happen to me: I won't let it."
Well none of us [not even YOUR parents] want to be like our parents. The trap is that gut-feeling that you will end up like them no matter what. Actually, things only turn out that way if you let them.
Take myself for example: My mom was a stay-at-home mom with four kids, and my dad a salesman. According to the "like my parents" rule, I should have ended up the same, with my husband doing sales of some sort.
But I'm a freelance writer, and a small business owner. My husband works for a world renowned hospital making sure the surgeons and other doctors get paid what they're worth. He does what others cannot. He squeezes money from insurance companies that KNOW they owe, but are loathe to pay their fair share. If HE had followed his father's footsteps, he'd be a milkman.
Really, the only thing I kept from my parents as role models was their commitment to the institution of marriage: they were married 44 years, and would have kept going, but Mom passed away. I have a long marriage, as does my sister.
Couples living together these days tell me "Yeah? Well that was then, this is now." Granted, times HAVE changed, as have parental role models, but marriage is what you make of it, no matter WHEN you get married.
Fear of Failure
I hear this one more than any other from people living together; they can leave any time they want, so there will BE no failure; that "little piece of paper" has no legal, binding hold over them. No way will they marry, and add to the sky rocketing divorce rate.
But if you really think about it, the federal government lumps ALL divorces together to come up with their stats. That means it puts a 30-year marriage that cracked under stress, with a divorce from an airhead like Paris Hilton or Brittney Spears. Celebrities by their very nature should not get married; that's just ASKING for trouble; in fact, whenever hubby and I see celeb's getting married on TV, I give them 3 to 6 months, depending on the vanity of the two getting hitched.
Fear of the Unknown:
When couples cohabitate, there IS no fear of the unknown. For better or worse, they know where they stand; they know they can leave any time they wish, and what that breaking up would mean, but at the same time, the explanations they give have nothing to do with love. Love doesn't pay the rent, it doesn't allow for "cheating". Because sooner or later, one partner will grow attached to the other. Once that happens, whenever the faux spouse dates someone else, etc., the loving partner is hurt deeply.
Letting Go:
Marriage means letting go of preconceived notions as to what marriage is about. It means love, commitment to each other, and a strength of soul through the acceptance of vows. It means working together, loving together, and trusting each other. It is couple compatibility that offers reasons TO trust.
If a couple living together seriously consider marriage because of familial pressures, etc., but are not compatible, they might as well resign themselves TO divorce. It may seem bewildering, even irrational, but the divorce rate for couples that lived together first is even HIGHER than for those who did not.
And in the end, couples that live together first, haven't got a clue as to what marriage is about. But like I said, I understand their fears. If I could, I would tell them marriage is far more than that "little piece of paper". FAR more.