by Ruthann Miller

Created on: September 18, 2008   Last Updated: May 29, 2011

I don't know who first coined this phrase, but it's a favorite of mine and speaks well to this topic: "Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad." A person can bring life to another human-being, but the one who sticks around, nurtures a child to adulthood deserves much more than just a passing acknowledgement of their contribution to the conception.

Our parents do so much for us that goes under-appreciated and often, never acknowledged. But that's the rub. They don't expect it. We, then, as their offspring get a profound second chance, if you will, in our parents' declining years to return some of that gratitude for all they gave us.

I know what you're thinking. There are parents out there who perhaps, don't deserve all this returned kindness. This isn't about those parents with extreme cases of abuse or neglect. This is just your average, run of the mill family - gloriously happy and well-adjusted in every way (yeah, right!), or your typical, mildly dysfunctional family with all of its quirks and misguided intentions, but strewn with examples of obvious love for their children and each other.

My two children come from the latter. At one point in my oldest' young adult struggle, he bemoaned having "not had the best parents as examples" - attesting that was the reason he himself was so messed up. I told him that at some point we have to stop blaming our parents for how we turned out, and take responsibility for the choices we make that keep us on the same path.

I was 28 years old when I came to that realization, and stopped blaming my mother. I realized that she had done everything she could for us under the circumstances. My father was abusive, and my mother lived in fear for all of their married life.

She's been gone five years now. She was eighty-seven years old when she passed. I am immensely grateful for the years we had together before the dementia took over the last ten years of her life. Anyone who has suffered through seeing a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer's knows the agony of losing that person long before they take their last breath. I used the personnel in both an assisted-living facility, and later, a nursing home, to help me take care of my mother because I wasn't physically or financially capable of handling the task alone.

Took care of her, I did, though. Not out of any sense of obligation, but out of love and gratitude. So should we all. They gave us life and love. Seems respect and caring is a small price to pay in return.

Learn more about this author, Ruthann Miller.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.