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endorphins cause a feeling that I assume is similar to what a drug addict would experience with their initial high. I know that if I was severely upset about something, the cutting seemed to make it all disappear. The pain, the emotions, the thoughts would all just melt away.

The endorphin release in the brain is one of the reasons why cutting can be a very addictive behavior. It is a very powerful thing to be able to almost literally turn off your brain. You start by cutting yourself once; you get the idea in your head or just do it almost on some kind of instinct. It seems harmless, but the next time you feel overwhelmed or are in some type of emotional crisis, that thought creeps back into your head. In a way I suppose this is also a type of control. When you cut you can bring the entire world under your immediate control. I have often felt that I did not have control over a situation in my life, whether that is abuse or anything else. I can be overwhelmed with a feeling of helplessness and my inability to control anything, but if I cut then I alone am in control. I control how much, how deep, how often, and who knows about it. And through the cutting I can "control" my own brain, to force my brain to stop thinking something or feeling a certain way. That is a powerful thing to give up.

I'd also like to address that cutting isn't about suicide. While it is true that some cutters may be suicidal, and occasionally a cut can go too far and become life-threatening this is not the primary goal for the most part. In my own case there have been times when cutting was all that kept me alive, in my view. Cutters may feel that by keeping disturbing thoughts and feelings at bay with the self-injury they are in fact making sure they aren't suicidal.

Cutting can also be about punishing someone, either themselves or someone else. It is common for self-injurers to feel totally worthless and undeserving of anyone's attention or love. By cutting themselves, they are punishing themselves for perceived faults or errors. Or it can be a way to punish someone else. They may feel that the person has wronged them but can't bring themselves to right this wrong any other way, so they cut themselves and hope the other person will care. In a way it can be to control the other person if the cutting becomes about threats. Threatening one's parent for example, if you don't apologize for this I might just cut. These examples are not necessarily the norm, but they can be one of many complex

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