Imagine with me for a moment that you are in the grocery store. It's just a normal summer Saturday afternoon, hot and muggy outside. It's easily 100 degrees outside, yet here you are wearing a sweater yet again. You are trying to cover your numerous scars and the fresh cuts that you put there a mere 24 hours ago. You wander through the aisles and reach for something on a far shelf; your sleeve pulls up and reveals what you've tried so hard to keep hidden. With no warning a woman who you don't know gasps and grabs for your arm before exclaiming, "Oh my dear, what happened?" Now what? You have only a few options that you must choose from in between being ashamed that you failed in hiding your secret. You can lie and tell her something else, you can make up a ludicrous excuse just to distract her, or you can ignore her completely and go along with your shopping.
Unfortunately, this uncomfortable situation is one that self-injurers find themselves in fairly regularly. With people at the store, family, friends, doctors, nurses, and many more I'm sure. As a cutter myself, I understand the embarrassment and shame this type of "outing" can bring. This particular story is one that I experienced just this last weekend. I, like many others, see no reason to be honest with this stranger and in fact I was a bit irritated that she thought she had a right to question me. This is when excuses abound, and there are millions of them. Things like, "I had an argument with reality, and reality lost.", "Stupid cat mistook me for a scratching post." all the way to the completely ridiculous of "When they say don't feed the bears, don't!" or "I met a blender with a bad attitude." All of these are defense strategies to keep it all a big secret. And for those of you who have never been a self-injurer the very concept of causing yourself injury is incomprehensible. The reasons behind the cutting are as varied as the cutters themselves. Hopefully I can shed a small modicum of light on the reasons why.
Cutting can be a way to numb yourself from some type of emotional pain. Self-injury is very common in survivors or childhood abuse, so there is a connection to trauma. This type of trauma creates a lot of emotional turmoil, and for someone who may not know hot to deal with it or has limited coping skills, cutting can be the answer. The physical act of cutting releases large amounts of endorphins in the brain, and endorphins numb the brain to the sensation of pain as a defense mechanism. These endorphins cause a feeling that I assume is similar to what a drug addict would experience with their initial high. I know that if I was severely upset about something, the cutting seemed to make it all disappear. The pain, the emotions, the thoughts would all just melt away.
The endorphin release in the brain is one of the reasons why cutting can be a very addictive behavior. It is a very powerful thing to be able to almost literally turn off your brain. You start by cutting yourself once; you get the idea in your head or just do it almost on some kind of instinct. It seems harmless, but the next time you feel overwhelmed or are in some type of emotional crisis, that thought creeps back into your head. In a way I suppose this is also a type of control. When you cut you can bring the entire world under your immediate control. I have often felt that I did not have control over a situation in my life, whether that is abuse or anything else. I can be overwhelmed with a feeling of helplessness and my inability to control anything, but if I cut then I alone am in control. I control how much, how deep, how often, and who knows about it. And through the cutting I can "control" my own brain, to force my brain to stop thinking something or feeling a certain way. That is a powerful thing to give up.
I'd also like to address that cutting isn't about suicide. While it is true that some cutters may be suicidal, and occasionally a cut can go too far and become life-threatening this is not the primary goal for the most part. In my own case there have been times when cutting was all that kept me alive, in my view. Cutters may feel that by keeping disturbing thoughts and feelings at bay with the self-injury they are in fact making sure they aren't suicidal.
Cutting can also be about punishing someone, either themselves or someone else. It is common for self-injurers to feel totally worthless and undeserving of anyone's attention or love. By cutting themselves, they are punishing themselves for perceived faults or errors. Or it can be a way to punish someone else. They may feel that the person has wronged them but can't bring themselves to right this wrong any other way, so they cut themselves and hope the other person will care. In a way it can be to control the other person if the cutting becomes about threats. Threatening one's parent for example, if you don't apologize for this I might just cut. These examples are not necessarily the norm, but they can be one of many complex reasons someone self-injures.
A lot of the time cutters do not have any other coping skills to deal with life. This is another reason it can be such a difficult habit to break. I know this to be true for me at least. Cutting is the way I have dealt with my emotions for over half my life; it is much easier to continue relying on it than learning something new. This can make it very hard on therapists or counselors with patients who cut. The therapist can be doing everything right and think their patient is making progress yet they still fall back on the cutting. It should also be recognized that cutting is almost a cry for help. Yes, cutters hide their marks and lie about where they come from when caught. Yes, we will deny everything even when the proof is staring us in the face. Yes, we can turn our back on help and continue our destructive behavior. But ultimately, most cutters know it's unhealthy and something they should stop, we just don't know how.
In closing, please do not take this article as my endorsing or suggesting that people turn to self-injury. In fact I think it's a highly destructive and addictive behavior that should be addressed and hopefully overcome. If you are a cutter, I would urge you to seek some help. Whether that help is a family member, friend, priest, or therapist. You do deserve the help; you do deserve the love even though you probably don't think you do. Overcoming self-injury is not an easy road, but it can be done. For the rest of you, all we need is your understanding. We don't expect you to condone the behavior or agree with it, by all means disagree, but at least try to be non-judgmental. It is my hope that this article will shed some light on the complex issue of cutting and the many possible reasons behind it. Self-injury doesn't have to be the end of the road; where there is light there is hope, so flip on the light switch.