by Sam O'Quinn

Created on: September 17, 2008

Cheating is an appalling and distressing act within a marriage. It destroys trust and causes resentment toward the offending partner. Both people are then left with unresolved feelings and inner turmoil. However, can it actually help a marriage? The simple answer is yes. Achievement of that end, on the other hand, is very complicated.

When two people choose to travel this rocky road we call life together, they usually do not set out to deceive or destroy what they have created. Yet, somewhere down the line, cheating becomes a problem. Every problem has a beginning, regardless of who is at fault. It can range from the simple lack of desire and sexual frustrations to more complicated, deep rooted issues of a single partner. Whatever the root of the problem, it is a great leap from that point to the actual act of cheating.

That leap consists of a realization that there is a problem, a breakdown of communication between each other, lots of frustration, and a lack of, or inappropriate response from, the other partner. The transgressor may feel invalidated in his or her feelings, ignored, uncared for, and rejected among others. Once they have gotten to their breaking point, he or she may begin rationalizing and fantasizing about cheating. They will use cheating in a selfish manner to regain those feelings of rejection from the one person who is supposed to support them and help them through anything.

The spouse almost always discovers the transgression. This discovery obviously breeds anger and distrust. However, this is a critical point in the relationship. If these two people sincerely do not wish to witness the death of their marriage, and they are willing to put forth the effort it takes to rebuilt it, then the marriage can become better than ever. This tangle of emotions and actions from both parties can be a great starting point to uncovering the truth about each other. Choosing the path to rediscovery takes a mountain of work on oneself and one another. It is hard because you must forgive, accept that what you had in the past is not what you have now, and you must also accept the people you have become.

Does this mean one should go out and cheat on their spouse to try to rectify a marital problem? Absolutely not. Cheating will only exasperate that problem. However, if you find yourself in this situation, consider what you really want and what will make you happy. Leaving the possibility of working through your problems can create a new trusting and satisfying relationship.

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