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To: All new employees
From: Computer Help Desk Department
Re: Some helpful tips to make your life easier

Dear new employee,

Welcome to the company! As a new team member, please know that we, the computer help desk department, are here as your dedicated personal servants, 24/7. The following are some helpful tips to make communication with the computer help desk as efficient as possible. Please note that each of these is based on real life experience we've had with previous users, and this list is constantly updated with absolutely no end in sight, ever.

First off, immediately after sending us an email, please walk to our desk and ask us if we received it. This newfangled "electronic mail" is still unproven, unreliable technology so it's best to always double check with us that we received your message.

On a related note, please ignore all emails from us. Emails such as "The system will be down for maintenance at 4pm" will only confuse you and deprive you of the opportunity to come to our desk or call after 4pm to ask why the system is down and you were not told. Likewise, if we send out a notice that you should not open a certain email because it contains a deadly virus it, feel free to challenge our expertise and open it anyway.

If we don't get to your request - and resolve it - within five minutes, be sure to follow up immediately by phone and in person. We're much more productive when someone hovers over our shoulder.

Please do not read a manual or introductory guide to any software or hardware product, especially if you are asked to do so as part of your job. We love answering the same questions repeatedly, especially from the same person. It makes us feel needed.

Don't ever be specific about a problem. If you tell us your network interface isn't working or Microsoft Excel crashes, where is our challenge? How can we be motivated when you've already told us what the issue is? Just say the "Internet is broken" and we'll get right on your problem.

Remember that everything on a computer is related. If you, say, change a font size in a word document, that action can obviously crash the network in Virginia a week later. No conclusion is too silly to jump to if you can't get to MySpace and you noticed that we were changing a toner cartridge on a printer a week earlier, be sure to ask if the two events are related.

When we try to explain that we do not know the answer to your question, but refer you to the person who does know, please don't go to that person. Please ask us

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