by Gene Liu

Created on: September 16, 2008   Last Updated: November 14, 2008

A Boy's Solitude

I remembered that autumn day - the day I turned six, the day mother passed away and I was suddenly left alone to continue this journey - one filled with endless discoveries. I shadowed myself from one foster family to another, who cared more about getting paid than caring for me. At each new stop, whispers of pity and glares of disdain hung like a perpetual cloud over and around. I awoke each morning to ever more chores for I was seen more of a helper than a boy. I watched in great envy as neighborhood kids ate candies and treats bought with their monthly allowances which I never got. I stayed behind as mothers and fathers took their children out on excursions. I fancied the parks they visited, the movies they saw, the restaurants where they lunched, and the new clothes they came home with. And, I watched that boy on his mother's lap and wished it was me.

When nights fell, I wept in silence and dreamed in comfort. I searched in memory and replayed the images of the days when mother was around. I relived the weekend visits mother and I made to the parks, the cruises we so enjoyed together, and the sightseeing strolls we took along the waterfront promenade. I remembered how mother taught me to greet neighborhood aunties and uncles in proper manners. I remembered how mother smiled with pride as neighbors praised me for being a sweet boy. I savored the rich flavor of Danish cookies, canned hams, and chocolates, that the neighbors' kids never had, that mother made me share. She used to say, "Not all are as fortunate as you. Share your joy, my love. You'll be doubly happier."

When suns rose, sweet dreams surrendered to despair. I saw no light as the sun shone through the curtains. I heard no songs at birds' chirping. I felt no joy watching other kids play. Sunrise after sunrise, autumn after autumn, there in my awakened solitude, I wondered if anyone saw what I saw, heard what I heard, and felt what I felt. Then I pondered, once again, what mother said about being happy and sharing the joy. I anguished as I searched in vain for any to share. There was none except loneliness.

I asked why and longed for that day when mother returned, with all her love, when there would be ample joy to share once again. And, I longed for that day when I could see again mother and I immersed in the sea of stars as the dusky sunlight dappled all around us as we sailed into the ocean...

So I waited and dreamed, another day, another night...

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