by Emily Joy White

Created on: September 15, 2008

A three thousand mile buffer is just about the right size! My family lives along the East coast and that is largely why I live in California. I could have stayed on the East coast and participated in a life-long marathon try-out session to gain acceptance in that exclusive club they call family, but moving away was much more appealing.

The acceptance rules were constantly changing and figuring out which layer of criticism to dodge was exhausting. Divorce was reason to banish some, but for others even participation in an extramarital affair could be overlooked. College degrees bought a lot of family acceptance as did hefty bank accounts. Character didn't seem to matter much.

I chose to risk the loss of family support in exchange for the possibility of the possibility.

I left home, if you can call it that, at the ripe old age of 20. Accepting an invitation of a college friend, I found myself in Los Angeles. During that time, the economy was good and no one could argue about the weather! I quickly secured a job, bought a car and found an apartment. Like lots of other people, I also studied and obtained a real estate license. My financial success shaped up quickly and I even met and married a wonderful young man.

My parents were invited to our wedding, but declined to travel to California. "It's the land of weirdos", they told me. When the first grandchild was born we decided to travel East so they could meet our new bundle of joy. We were introduced as the bunch from California. Some relatives asked questions, some just rolled their eyes. A few even promised to visit.

I kept in touch with my family, it was a ceremonial relationship. We exchanged holiday cards and periodic phone calls. For many years I enthusiastically supplied pictures of my children, but they were never received with any interest. My husband and children made several trips to visit, but none were ever returned. Lots of excuses were provided. "You live so far away", "your father doesn't like to fly", "you know we just can't afford that air fare".

At times, I have missed my family, or at least the idea of what I felt family should be. I have never missed their harsh scrutiny, gossip, or belittling comments. What I have missed is the opportunity to encourage others or to give them refuge from the constant family in-fighting. To overcome the loss of family, I have made deep and lasting friendships and have put my heart and soul into being and having family with my friends and my own immediate family. I am grateful for the incredible bond I have with several friends who not only shared life's moments with me, but allowed me to know what it feels like to be part of a family. I am blessed by my husband's love and devotion and by our lovely children.

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