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addiction and physical addiction. I had no choice in using now!

And now it didn't matter the form. It could be liquid, solid, or gas. Didn't matter. My mind was looking for a high and my body was looking for a fix. If dandelions had given me a high, a buzz, or the effect I was looking for, I would have been dandelion addict!

And this is the most important point, I believe in the recovery process, which is

that alcohol or pills or other drugs IS NOT my problem.

I took these substances to SOLVE my problem!

I don't have an alcohol and drug problem. I have a LIVING PROBLEM. Now complicated by a physical obsession.

I drank and drugged to feel better mentally and physically.

Put another way, alcohol and drugs was just a symptom of my problem. Take away the substance and the problem is still there. Only worse!

That's why Detoxification Centers do not discharge "recovered people". They only take away the symptom (which has to be done) but it does not solve the real problem. The living problem still exists. Now add the guilt, shame and legal issues, on top of money problems and the loss of family respect and it's too much too bear.

I was a the bottom, my bottom. I had no where to turn.

As I became more certain of a impending disaster in my life due to my Alcoholism, I began to look for different ideas that would help me keep things together. I had tried quitting a thousand times....and meant it! It never lasted more than a day. I got to the point where I quit quitting!

The only thing that caused me more pain then drinking was.... not drinking. I tried switching drinks, maybe it was the Vodka I was drinking? Maybe if I switched to Scotch, I could handle it.
I tried different drugs hoping to find one that would be easier for me to handle. Nothing worked.
At this point, I could not keep track of my lies, and my home life was disintegrating before my blurry eyes. My wife was disgusted with me, and was threatening to leave, and my job was starting disciplinary actions against me. I was out of money, and stole what I could, when I could. I had no shame, and no control over what I was going to do that day. My health was declining, and it was only by the grace of God, I did not kill somebody while "driving drunk."

I was whipped! I was at the end! To recount all the bad things going on in my life due to my alcoholism would take way too long. Suffice it to say, every area of my life was coming down around me, and I knew I was losing the respect of people who loved me. I was bankrupt physically, morally, and certainly spiritually. And most of all,...... I was tired.
I was so tired of living a life of lies and deceit, of sickness and disgust. I was sick and tired of looking for drugs, doing them and looking for some more. I was tired of people looking for me, to collect the money I owed them or not being able to answer the phone for fear of who it was. I was sick of showing up at the liquor store at the 9:00 am opening and seeing the look on the the owners face.
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I don't know if it was a day or an hour, but I knew I had to swallow whatever pride I thought I had left, and get help. For the first time I had a moment of clarity. I knew in my heart of hearts I was an alcoholic and drug addict. And at that moment I would have done anything to feel better. I was ready to do something.... but I didn't know what? I had no idea what to do or where to turn.
It was in this moment of clarity that I was introduced to my "Higher Power."
And didn't know it, but it was in this moment that my recovery began.

Learn more about this author, Mark M.
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