by Words of Art

Created on: September 15, 2008   Last Updated: March 05, 2011

We all have our thoughts and feelings about what being a good mother looks like. Is yours the June Cleaver prototype? Dinner always on the table on time; spotless house; always there to listen calmly to your children's thoughts, feelings and fears; and never, ever raising your voice in a fit of impatience or anger? Try as we might, we are all human and incidentally, none of us have a wardrobe and makeup manager standing by to keep us looking as fresh and delightful as Beaver's mom. Real motherhood is a very different endeavor.

I come from a pretty rough childhood, the product of teen parents who never really knew what to do with me. My mom thought yelling was the best way to communicate and my dad left us when I was very young. Because my story is such a broken one, I started out my life as a mom determined to be the perfect parent. Boy, was I in for a shock. I'm convinced that in order to be a perfect parent, you would have to also have a perfect child. And since neither one is going to happen, survival is the key. I have come to understand that being a good mother is less about perfection and more about learning how to do the very best you can under any condition. Life in the trenches is an adventure.

I wasn't allowed to express much emotion as a child. "Dry it up" was one of my mom's absolute favorite responses to tears or anger. Because of this, I was determined that I would let my daughter express herself freely, without fear of punishment or correction. While I still feel that it's important to help our children learn to manage their emotions in a healthy way and to use words to express them, after a few tantrums and shouted incidents of "You're not my mommy anymore," I quickly felt the temptation to squelch the unfettered displays of feeling. That and a few mornings where I was so tired of answering "Why?" have on occasion left me an irritated mess. After yelling at my poor little detective for some small offense, I would quickly berate myself and feel guilty for inflicting damage on her still-developing psyche. I could already picture her on the therapist's couch in 20 years, talking about how I broke her and messed her up for life.

Out of all the "Aha!" moments I've ever had, I'd say the realization of what really makes a good mother has been one of the most life-changing. Being a good mom isn't about always saying the right thing, never raising your voice and otherwise pursuing perfection. It's about two little words. . ."I'm sorry". You see, showing our children that we can take responsibility for our actions and admit we're not perfect is probably the greatest gift we can give them. They'll never be perfect either, and as soon as they learn that it's okay to say you're sorry, they're already functioning on a higher level than a lot of grown-ups out there.

Being a good mother is about leading by example, admitting our mistakes and striving to better ourselves in ways that also better our families. Watching us walk through life, still learning and changing as we navigate the turbulent waters of parenting is going to teach our kids the life lessons that being perfect never could.

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