by Hope Darby

Created on: September 14, 2008   Last Updated: June 24, 2009

Ask any couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary their secret to a long and happy marriage and you can bet the answer won't be, "Cheating!" To cheat on one's spouse is to completely disregard their feelings and the vows you made to make your marriage work. It is not, and will never be, the key to "fixing" a broken marriage. There is only one way to accomplish such a feat: hard work.

Many marriage counselors do suggest trial separations and dating other people when a marriage begins to get frosty. The reasoning behind this is fairly sound: taking time away from each other and spending it in the company of other people can often times remind a couple what they love about their spouse, thus refueling their desire to make the marriage work.

What makes this type of therapy effective and acceptable is the mutual acquiescence of both spouses. No one is being lied to, cheated on, or hurt. Each person goes into the therapy willingly, and abides by the rules set forth by the counselor (such as no physical intimacy with the new dates.)

People who cheat don't care if their marriage lasts or not. People who willingly buckle down and face the problems are the ones who truly want to find solutions and save their relationship.

The act of cheating forms an immediate cloud of mistrust over a marriage. While a couple may decide to work through the infidelity, and the unfaithful spouse may be truly remorseful for what they've done, it is next to impossible to succeed without outside help. The cheated-on will always have that niggling little thought in the back of their mind of "How do I know it won't happen again?"

The cheater will constantly be frustrated, because while their spouse agreed to forgive, the adultery is constantly brought up. "How can you say you forgive me if you won't let it go and move on?" is a common question in these situations. "How can I let it go and move on, when I don't know if I can trust you?" is the common answer. This, dear people, is what we call an impasse.

Enter the marriage counselor.

Only an unbiased, level-headed outsider can truly offer real advice on how to fix a broken marriage. Well-meaning friends and family are not substitutes for real marriage counselors. A counselor can help a couple move beyond the act of cheating long enough to figure out why it happened, and whether or not the parties involved really do want to make the marriage work. From there, the counselor can offer tried-and-true methods of putting the pieces back together again.

In most instances, cheating is a symptom of a greater issue. If a partner is considering adultery, they must realize that they are doing so because of a larger problem in their marriage. The trick is to acknowledge this weakness and seek immediate help.

Healing a weak marriage is much easier when attempted before an act of adultery. This is the time when feelings, needs, and viewpoints can be heard by two open parties. Once a spouse has been cheated on, those feelings, needs, and viewpoints are forever tainted by the intense mistrust brought on by the infidelity, making it exponentially harder to fix.

So if you want to save your marriage, stop and think before you cheat. You have a real chance of fixing the relationship, but if you cheat, you may very well lose that chance forever.

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