by Lisa Quattro

Created on: September 13, 2008

What I have learned about abuse, be it physical or verbal, (which can often lead to physical) is simple; it is all about CONTROL, it just always is. An abuser is going to be very critical of everything, your dress, your hair, the traffic, the weather, the waiter, the staff, everything. Be careful though, on the first date you may not see this negativity, they most likely have their best foot forward. There are subtle actions that will show the true colors under the facade. For example, your date may honk in traffic, or comment on how long the line is, he may even try to talk to a manager about getting service quicker.

Often times the abuser thinks only of himself. This of course can be seen in the most subtle of ways. Did he open the door for you, meaning the car door, the restaurant door, etc? If he is not willing to do this on that all important first date, trust me, he never will. That is alright if you want to do everything for yourself, but it could be a sign of a lack of respect. If he doesn't respect you now, he won't in ten years, and may become at least verbally abusive if not physical. Abusers do not see their victims as people with feelings and rights but as objects that need to be put in their place. Not every guy who doesn't open the door will become an abuser, but it is one of many signs.

Another question is: did he let you order first or try to order for you? The last part of this question is also a sign of control, you will eat what he tells you to eat. Again, just because he does this does not mean you will see him on the eleven o'clock news as an abuser, but this to me is a strong sign of an overactive need to control everything. He has no right to tell you what you will consume. Suggestions and ordering an appetizer would be fine, but you deserve the right to pick out your own meal.

Also, notice his behavior when others talk to you, is he kind and understanding when the waiter flirts with you or does he get rude? Even a harmless comment such as, "Nice dress (shoes, hat, ring, etc.)" will cause this kind of reaction in an abuser. Even a glance from another patron will cause the abuser to be uncomfortable. This often times manifests itself as quietness at first, then as time goes on the abuser will become more demonstrative and eventually physical. Often they will try to accuse you of trying to solicit a response from the opposite sex.

These signs do not necessarily mean the fine gentleman that is treating you to this first date is a first rate abuser. He may be from a good family and be well educated. He may have never hit or hurt (verbally as well as physically) anyone before, ask anyone of his friends or his family. But trust me, there is always a first time. The scars maybe mental and not physical, which is even harder to take because it hurts in a way that others can not see, making it harder to see there is anything wrong. There will be scars if there is any kind of abuse. If there are warning signs present at this early stage, don't waste your time. There is always first victim, do not let it be you.

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