by Lisa Storms

Created on: September 12, 2008

Since I am by definition "a wife," I thought I might shed some light on what it is we ladies would like to hear from you guys in order to keep us happy. By the way, usually just "saying" something is not enough to keep us happy. Actions are what really gets our motors running, so keep that in mind when you utter your pearls of wisdom. Here are a few of my personal favorites:

1. I bought you these flowers just because...(note: you must actually buy the flowers, preferably from a real florist, not the corner bodega, and they should be pretty and fresh, not wilted and brown).

2. You are by far the hottest of all your friends (sounds shallow, but deep down every woman wants to be the fairest of them all).

3. Did you lose weight?

4. Are you SURE you haven't lost weight?

5. That stock boy was totally checking you out...I should kick his ass, but who can blame him?

6. Your lasagna (stew, chicken soup, etc.) is so much better than my mother's.

7. You should go get a massage tomorrow...my treat...I'll watch the kids.

8. I am an idiot. It's all my fault. I could not be any wronger (not a real word, but it's totally acceptable in this case).

9. I am so lucky because you never seem to have PMS like the other wives do.

10. You were the prettiest girl in the room tonight (this particular one's gotten my husband many a favor... wink, wink).

Honestly, men. Women are not as complicated as you make us out to be. Especially the married ones. By no means am I implying we are simple or that all it takes are a few easy words to get one over on us. But sometimes I think in marriages we over-think everything. When your wife asks "does this make me look fat" do you really think she wants you to say YES!

I know you are dying for the right answer to that question so I'll be nice and give it to you. Your wife wants to hear that she is the most beautiful woman in the world and no one else comes close. She wants you to say that nothing she puts on makes her look fat, that you would never let her leave the house looking bad (she wants to know you are her friend and she can trust you), and that you LOVE the way that blouse, sweater, dress, pair of jeans, or whatever it is she has on, you absolutely LOVE the way she looks in it. Do not be wishy- washy. Never say she looks "fine." Fine is the night killer, a death sentence. You will spend at least the next hour explaining the origins and definitions and intricacies of the word fine and you will be late for whatever it is you are going to. You will spend the entire night trying to take it back. Trust me on this one.

Now, if she really does look fat in the outfit, and you simply can't let her go out like that because you know she can look better, this is what you do. Offer an alternative outfit. Say something like, "this outfit looks okay, but what really makes you look super hot is this blouse with these pants and these shoes." Or, "I've always loved the way you look in this dress with that necklace and your Jimmy Choos." The more specific you can be the better. It shows you have been paying attention to her wardrobe and that will endear her to you.

If any of the above tips gets you out of a jam or better yet, gets you some extra credit with your wife, well then you can send me flowers...just because.

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