by Sharon Jenson

Created on: September 12, 2008

Even the most smothering of single mothers, and married ones, can refrain from creating a "momma's boy". To avoid the creation of such a beast, one must first know exactly what a "momma's boy" is.

A Clear Definition
It was in the movie "Moonstruck" when I first noticed a serious case of a momma's boy. Cher, the star of the movie, was going to marry a man who didn't want to marry her until his mother was dead. Once she got better, he came and told Cher that he could no longer marry her, as his mother was well. Lucky for her that she had fallen for his estranged brother, so no one was hurt. But you get the picture. A man, incapable of breaking free of his mother's persistent guilt and manipulation, will do anything to seek her approval and keep her happy. Breaking a man of this kind of mental dependence can take years and your marriage may not survive such s strong third party.

Step One
Your son must be able to develop his own identity; have the freedom to discover what interests him, without having to check with mom to see if a simple interest or decision for a hobby is okay with her. A mom can help by encouraging such creative ideas, as long as they are safe, and even help. Do not assume your son will participate in any such activities you wish for him and thus eventually force upon him. He may have no interest in learning to play the piano, or football. He should be encouraged to have a normal life, which includes developing friendships, and hobbies that may take him away from you at times. This should be viewed as healthy and as a break for mom.

Step Two
Mom should have a life of her own. Even the best of single moms who volunteer at school, ball games, scouts, etc., need time to themselves and should never depend on her son to fill the loneliness often felt by a single mom, and even sometimes by a married mom. Making a son feel guilty for wanting to participate in normal social behavior outside the home and without mom is a dangerous mistake with huge ramifications! You can almost guarantee a "momma's boy" with this type of behavior.

Step Three
Never interfere in your son's love life. Even if asked, limit the advice you offer as you will find it difficult to remain unbiased. As our son's are perfect in our eyes, we feel they must be perfect boyfriends. But listen for clues that there may be two sides to each story. Be happy for your son when he is happy about a girl for the first time, so long as it is age appropriate and he is aware that a relationship too serious will be too much for him to handle until he is closer to college age. Even then it'll be difficult, but he should know that there are good reasons why waiting until you are more mature makes sense. This is a good time to re-establish communication, without prying. This keeps your son safe and less confused as to what is natural and what is not.

Step Four
Allow your son to make important decisions. Remind him of the consequences should he fail to choose wisely, but trust that you've raised a smart person who will, no doubt, do the right thing if you've done your job as a mother. This increases self-esteem and confidence, while increasing his chances of developing the skills needed to be a leader. Reasoning with him, hearing him out, and sharing your concerns will all take place from time to time. But allowing him to begin to learn to guide and shape his future clears the path for a "momma's boy". You'll both be happy, successful, and have a healthier relationship because of it! Remember, no guilt trips! Ever! Raise a strong, confident, and smart thinker. Do not raise a man who feels completely torn between his mother's feelings and his own true desires.

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