by Stephen Bate

Created on: September 12, 2008   Last Updated: November 22, 2010

This extremely difficult and emotive question can only really be answered by looking from the different perspectives of the parties to the marriage.

Fundamentally, an occurrence of cheating is a huge sign that a relationship is in trouble, but the question has to be asked : why?

Look at it from the viewpoint of the cheater. He/she could feel completely stifled, unloved and unappreciated in a marriage, but could feel that splitting up would be too hard or affect children etc too badly. The lack of feeling of support or love could easily lead to an affair if another person shows them the love and respect that they crave. Due to the lack of loving attention, the person may feel low in terms of self esteem, so this too could be lifted by the attentions of another.

As I've already said, these factors are a really strong sign that the communication and togetherness in the marriage are fundamentally flawed, but the person may feel that it is the only way to relieve the personal problems. Add to this the fact that an affair means excitement, a bit of danger and a new sexual partner and the "bright lights" that it can represent can be too attractive to ignore.

So now consider the person's personality during or after the affair. Their self esteem and confidence may be lifted and they may feel reinvigorated in their efforts to sort out their marriage difficulties and problems. As the saying goes : it may have been a sledge hammer to crack a nut, but it may work. There may be a real feeling that they have been able to communicate with someone and that they are ready to take the next step with their long term partner.

Now, though, consider the other party to the marriage who has been cheated on.

They will feel that the marriage is over and that the trust that is essential for a marriage to work has gone forever. This is understandable and may be completely true but, as I know from personal experience, discovering the extra marital relationship really brings the failing issues into focus and that person may start to really recognise how their actions and lack of support have led to the affair.

It may seem perverse, but cheating can save a marriage, if the fundamental building blocks on which the marriage was originally built are strong. The effects of an affair can bring the problems into exceptionally sharp focus, and provide a genuine starting point from which to move forwards.

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