by Chey

Created on: September 11, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

As I sit in a Denny's at 3am...

I'm trying to decide, whether falling in love with love is any worse than being in an unrequited love. I've had crushes like any warm blooded woman or man, and there's always that giddiness associated with falling in lust or love. I do enjoy the company of a companion, but at the same time, I love the feeling they cause inside. They remind you of the good and the bad- how being single was so lonely, and yet how being in a relationship is a reminder of how awesome the independence of being the only one is. I enjoy being the only one I have to look out after. I spend less money on myself, and I don't feel obligated to do or give anything to anyone else. When I'm single, I do things for me, and I strive for self improvement and creativity. When I'm with a significant other I'm not always sure as to whom I'm really improving for.

By any means, I am not insecureat least not more than anyone else around. I am confident in my ability to do anything whether it's climbing a mountain, or writing a million page paper on short notice. I am not always confident in some things, and I always wonder whether it's just me over analyzing and blowing my flaws out of proportion, or if others actually see these flaws and care. I want to lose more weight this year, and I try, mostly for myself and my health. I eat more healthily and such, and I exercise on a regular basis, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I wonder if anyone ever even notices. I don't exercise when my roommates are around, because sometimes I think they'd just laugh. My roommates are great people, I know they are genuinely good folks, but what would they think if some fat chick was unsuccessfully trying to improve? What would my current crush think too?

Sometimes I do view myself as a bucket full of blemishes, and often the people I crush on don't have as many visible flaws. Given when I get to know them there's the eccentricity that I was initially attracted to, but then again, as I ramble on and twirl things around in my mind, I do wonder if they view themselves or me the same way as I do. It all seems to go back to when I thought big in a little world as a child. Occasionally I'd boggle my own mind with thinking about what it would be like to really perceive myself through someone else's mind and eyes.

Does everyone see the same colors the same way as I do? And if they do, why don't they like the same colors the same ways? I always wonder things like that, and they used to drain my

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