by Becky Lane

Created on: September 11, 2008

Once upon a time, I found myself wondering why so many families were moving away from the dinner table. It just made no sense to me. My first battle as a newlywed, was diplomatically convincing my young husband that, although I adored his family, perhaps their system of eating dinner each night, on trays in front of the TV, was not the best way of doing things. Once the children came along, I had to resist the pressure to create perfect kids by signing them up for so many lessons and activities, it would have been impossible to squeeze in a family dinner together.

Our kids are both grown now, and I sometimes wonder how we managed to get this far with so little trauma. Friends and family kept making dire predictions of "just wait until they turn...," but each stage came and went without them turning into monsters, and with them still believing that as far as parents go, theirs weren't half bad. Most of that was luck I'm sure, but there is one thing that, I feel certain, contributed greatly, and which I take full credit for, because I really had to fight for it. What's the big secret? This:

FAMILY MEAL TIME
The Key to a FUNctional Family

Eat together around the table at least three or four times a week.

No TV, phones, headphones or reading allowed.

No criticism or disciplining allowed at the table (teaching good manners is encouraged, but do it in a fun, positive, reinforcing way, not in a nagging, negative manner, that will only make them want to escape from the table at the earliest opportunity).

Learn to ask questions that will get them talking. Instead of asking "How was your day?"(guaranteed to get a single word response), ask questions like, "What was the best/worst/most interesting part of your day?"

Laugh together a lot (but never at one another's expense). Make your home a haven the one place where your family knows they will always be nurtured and supported. Be the wings that lift them up, rather than the arrow that shoots them down. They will run into plenty of other people who will be more than happy to fill that role, as they venture forth in the world.

There were many times when I found my resolve faltering. I wondered if my children would be able to compete against kids who were expert at everything from piano and ballet to golf and tennis. Somehow I managed to stand firm, though it often felt as if we were the only family in the world who believed in this. It seems we were not alone after all. Recently, when reading "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by Barbara Kingsolver, I came across this interesting tidbit: "A survey of National Merit scholars - exceptionally successful eighteen-year-olds crossing all lines of ethnicity, gender, geography and class - turned up a common thread in their lives: the habit of sitting down to a family dinner table. It's not just the food making them brilliant. It's probably the parents - their care, priorities, and culture of support. The words: "I'll expect you home for dinner."

Ah, sweet justification at last!

Learn more about this author, Becky Lane.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.