by Rachel Stockton

Created on: September 11, 2008   Last Updated: September 19, 2008

Very few couples enter into marriage with the idea that they will divorce over time. The maturity levels of the partners largely determine whether or not they have what it takes to work through issues, rather than to let them fester.

The negative effects of divorce on children are numerous, and largely undisputed. A majority of adolescents who get into trouble come from broken homes. Children of divorce are more likely to become chemically dependent and become depressed.

Yet, in spite of these statistics, there are some instances when staying married doesn't make sense, even for the sake of the children. And, there are times when staying married isn't really for their sake at all. It can be a way to simply do nothing about a situation that, quite frankly, should be proactively dealt with.

According to Sandra Tester, licensed family therapist, "It's amazing how many spouses wish their partners would die. This is because they mistakenly believe they can't get a divorce,' and death is the only way out. I tell them, "Let's see, is it better to hate your spouse so much you wish he were dead, or to end the relationship so that you both begin to heal, forgive each other and help your kids move on?" Well, when you put it THAT way. . . .

It's fairly safe to say, Tester asserts, that if children are "used" as an avoidance mechanism in these situations, they are not benefitting from keeping the marriage together. Here are some possible examples:

1. Mary W. discovered that her husband was cheating on her. She found some emails Bob had failed to delete; notes that were intimate, downright steamy, and written to his co-worker. After confronting Bob, it becomes apparent to Mary that his promises to end the relationship are half hearted. He refuses to go to marriage counseling, and their relationship deteriorates further. Mary has become more and more depressed; she and Bob fight late into the night, and the children hear sordid details they shouldn't have to deal with. Clearly, Mary is doing her children no favors for two reasons: first of all, she's giving her children the idea that it's "okay" to allow oneself to be treated poorly. Her daughters are learning that women are powerless, and simply must "take it." Secondly, Mary falsely believes that she's hiding her pain from her children, when in reality they know she's unhappy, and they know why.
2. Jennifer C. stays in a verbally abusive marriage. She tells her friends that she will not leave her husband because it would be

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