by Velma aka Shammah

Created on: September 10, 2008

Good heavens, "Can I be myself after marriage?" What a question! If I wasn't myself when I was married, then who in heavens name was I? The question is strange, at least to me. Do you mean after you get married or after a marriage has ended? It could mean either, but my response is applicable no matter the intent of the question.

When a person gets married, they don't change into someone else. My identity, who I am, is not defined by the fact that I am Ms. X or Mrs. X. That's not who I am, it is only one of the many roles I will play throughout my lifetime.

When you enter into a marriage, if you do so to find something in someone else that you feel you are missing in yourself, I am afraid you are off to one heck of a rocky start and the prospects of a lasting and meaningful relationship are somewhat doomed. If you know who you are when you get married, that doesn't change or get lost just because you have married someone. You are still you, and you will still be you during marriage, and if you become a statistic that is the norm for today (divorce), you will still be you after marriage.

In looking at this question as though we are being asked can I be who I am when I get married, then of course I can and I should be. After all, wasn't it me, who I am, that attracted the other person? Why would you want to change that; never mind you shouldn't change you to please someone else just because they say you should wear something, cut your hair or grow it long, or whatever! You should be who you are because you know and like who you are and it will show.

Definitely, be yourself after you get married. Why throw away a good thing. After all it was "you yourself" who caught your spouse, who enticed him/her, drew him/her to you. Now, there may be compromises required. You should be open to agree to disagree and you should be flexible on things like "how to squeeze the tooth paste tube," that don't really matter in the long run! But, never, never should you concede and agree to change a quality or personality trait or a principle that has been the core essence of who you are; no one wins when we try changing others. You'll both end up miserable, and you'll dislike yourself even more than any dislike you might have for the person asking you to change and be someone else!

If the question addresses can you be yourself after a marriage has ended, the answer remains the same. No matter where or how you find yourself, always be true to yourself. If your marriage has ended badly and if in the course of that marriage, you, in an effort to compromise and try and make things work, have chosen to change things about yourself that you had previously valued, then I say, "Return, immediately, to being yourself after your marriage is ended! Return to the value that is you!"

In conclusion, before, during and after marriage, always be yourself! Be true to yourself at all times and in the end it is a win-win situation for everyone you become involved with in life.

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