by Bob Trowbridge

Created on: September 10, 2008

What we can say about so-called "love" marriages is that the percentage of successes versus failures is the same as the flip of a coin. The number of divorces per marriage alone makes love marriages a losing bet in the U.S. Arranged marriages are seen by most Americans as very old school, almost primitive.

The biggest objection to arranged marriages is that it removes both love and choice from the formula. Everyone knows that Americans are rugged individualists and freedom of choice is as American as rigged elections. The idea of romantic love is also central to the American self-image. No nation on the planet is as brainwashed about romantic love than the good old U.S. of A. We took it in with our mother's milk.

The irony in all of this is that our romance with romance and our fervent belief in independence and freedom of choice is pretty much an illusion. The myth of romantic love and freedom of choice have been implanted in our wide-open brains by the mythmakers of Hollywood and Madison Avenue. The problem with our "love" marriages is that we have totally unrealistic expectations due to this brainwashing.

The "Happily ever after" myth has been around for a long time but it is primarily Americans who have swallowed it whole and have let it run their romantic lives and ruin their marriages. It isn't a question of whether love and romance are real. Love and romance are very real. It is the expectations of marriage that fail to deliver.

Through the constant bombardment of movies, TV shows, and advertising, our expectations of marriage have been raised extremely high, too high in my opinion. The idea that romantic love can last forever, or even more than a few months or a year or two, is nuts. It inevitably leads to disappointment for both partners.

A friend of mine said that sex is 90% of a relationship before marriage and 10% after. This wasn't a cynical comment on marriage. It was an acknowledgement that if a marriage is expected to survive because of romantic love and good sex, it is doomed. These are the most superficial reasons for two people to be together.

What makes arranged marriages last longer? The first thing that guarantees that arranged marriages last longer is the weight of centuries of tradition. When I was young, marriages didn't last longer because relationships were more stable. They lasted longer because divorce was such a huge taboo, and not just among Catholics. In cultures that have had arranged marriages for centuries, such marriages are seen

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