It was the one thing I feared the most - losing a child. It was the one thing I always prayed to God to spare me from. It was the one thing I feared more than death itself.
And on the 19th July 2006, it happened to me. The pain still grips my heart when I think of that fateful day. The phone jarred me out of my sleep at 12:15pm. How could this be? Are you sure? This must be some cruel sick cosmic joke. The world stopped turning. Everything turned black.
Raw grief welled up in me and I let out a primal scream filled with grief that only a mother who has lost her child can understand.
She lay cold and lifeless, slumped over. This child who I had once nursed at my breast, and who filled my life with love, laughter and happiness for 47 years was now gone. Beautiful, intelligent, talented and a wonderful compassionate human being with everything to live for ....so cruelly and inexplicably snatched away.
The disbelief and shock of the first few days later turned into raw grief. I thought that I would never laugh or smile or feel happy again. The sun would never shine in my life. But time has turned the sharp raw pain into an ever present, dull ache in my heart.
I can think of my daughter now without bursting into racking sobs, but with love and tenderness and an appreciation of all that she brought into my life and the lives of those she touched. I maintain contact with my grandchildren and see her smile in one, hear her laugh in another and feel her kindness in the actions of the third.
Losing one child has made me appreciate my other children even more. It has made me realize that life is too short to be bothered by trifles and trivial matters.
Speaking to other parents who had also lost their children was what kept me sane and helped to ease the pain. Knowing that others had gone through what I was going through was and continues to be a tremendous consolation.
Another thing that helped me tremendously through this dark and difficult time was my religious beliefs. Believing that she was in a better place and at peace, gave me the ability to accept this painful event. I think that acceptance is key to healing and coping with the loss of a child. No matter how much we would like to, we cannot bring our children back. We have to accept the finality of death, which I sometimes feel is the hardest thing of all.
If you have lost a child, reach out to others. Don't try and bear the heavy burden of this grief alone. Reach out to others and to God... and the day will come when you will smile again.