The Sandwich Generation:
Coping with Aging Parents While Supporting Adult Children
I live in a peanut butter and bananas sandwich. Ever see aging peanut butter under pressure - not an appealing sight. As for bananas, they characterize the direction of many days.
I am faced with the challenge of learning how to deal with an aging parent while helping our adult children as they travel the maze of life. In the hope that I might lighten similar burdens, I offer my story.
Each of our three children have returned to the nest between school terms, when relationships blew up, and one, during relocation, arrived with a wife, new baby and two large dogs. We learned it was essential for all parties to discuss the rules, responsibilities, and each person's expectations. Nothing leads to frustration, anger and hurt more than unspoken expectations.
We had developed a rhythm to co-raising our young grandson so his parents could work the same shift, when, at the age of eighty-eight, my Mother announced that she was coming across the Country to check out an Independent Living facility. If she liked it, she was moving permanently. I had recently taken early retirement to pursue a passion for writing and co-raise a toddler. I could share all my spare time with her. That was the plan. Her plan.
I needed to put a reality spin on the situation. I suggested she write to my three brothers (and to me) asking two questions:
(1) What did we think of her decision to move over 3000 miles from home?
(2) Would we come to visit her regularly?
My brothers thought it was a great idea for her to move (away from them) and no they wouldn't be visiting on a regular basis - and they haven't. Walking on egg-shells, I made it clear that my life was overflowing already. Our children were very involved in our lives - and we seemed to be constantly involved in theirs. We promised ourselves that we'd 'let go' but couldn't turn our backs on our most significant investments - the one that would last many lifetimes.
The youngest of our 'investments', announced that she had decided to share her life with a young man we didn't think was the best choice. They'd decided to follow his dream and were moving across the Country. We maintained our relationship, sent money, and prayed life would settle down.
Mom decided to move, confident that her sons would visit and certain that nothing I did could ever be as important as spending time with her. I often give thanks that I was 'up front' with her. It helps to assuage the guilt of a skipped visit or missed phone call.
Mom was just beginning to understand that I wasn't moving next door to her, when we were faced with paying relocation costs to bring our travelling daughter home. She'd left the boyfriend behind and needed to hide in our guestroom. She was accepted to graduate school and decided to grab the opportunity. Money wasn't discussed - big mistake. Two years and a hefty credit card later, we smiled through tears as she accepted her Masters, announced her engagement, and began the search for a job worthy of her credentials.
About this time, Mother's health and independence began to decline and full time care was necessary. I consulted several articles on how to deal with an aging parent and realized that I had to work out a plan specific to my Mom.
We reserved judgment when our eldest chose to love a man with three growing children and listen as she shares the conflict around developing relationships with step-children whose mother lives nearby.
I do share our 'children's' successes, joys and adventures with Mother however I save us both the grief of reliving their challenges, failures and conflicts.
When Mother moved, I put in place a variety of systems that would facilitate the management of her affairs. Taking this action when she was still alert enough to share her wishes has saved hours of frustration and effort.
I updated her Will, and arranged for Power of Attorney to facilitate the management of her investments and daily banking, address changes, and application for medical, hospitalization and assessment services.
I developed a list of relevant personal, financial, health and business contacts together with numbers and pertinent details.
To minimize frustration and energy drain (mine), I hired someone to do her laundry, purchased discount taxi coupons and signed her up for a local bus-on-demand service. I learned that I am not Mother's maid or housekeeper. I am her daughter and want to share time together.
I plan how I'm going to share my energy and time. I acknowledge my limitations. The children have their own needs. Mother has her issues. I do not have to react to them.
A major break through was recognizing that our adult children needed our love, our wisdom, our guidance. I stopped proposing solutions to a frustrated or hurt 'child' and asked what their options were. They always have our attention, however, they need to work through their issues and decide what choices they have - without us drawing the map for them.
It's not letting go. It's allowing choices. My role is to love and give time/energy when I am able. I remember to ask myself, 'whose life is this anyway'.