by BJWilson

Created on: September 09, 2008   Last Updated: November 01, 2008

The Sandwich Generation:
Coping with Aging Parents While Supporting Adult Children

I live in a peanut butter and bananas sandwich. Ever see aging peanut butter under pressure - not an appealing sight. As for bananas, they characterize the direction of many days.

I am faced with the challenge of learning how to deal with an aging parent while helping our adult children as they travel the maze of life. In the hope that I might lighten similar burdens, I offer my story.

Each of our three children have returned to the nest between school terms, when relationships blew up, and one, during relocation, arrived with a wife, new baby and two large dogs. We learned it was essential for all parties to discuss the rules, responsibilities, and each person's expectations. Nothing leads to frustration, anger and hurt more than unspoken expectations.

We had developed a rhythm to co-raising our young grandson so his parents could work the same shift, when, at the age of eighty-eight, my Mother announced that she was coming across the Country to check out an Independent Living facility. If she liked it, she was moving permanently. I had recently taken early retirement to pursue a passion for writing and co-raise a toddler. I could share all my spare time with her. That was the plan. Her plan.

I needed to put a reality spin on the situation. I suggested she write to my three brothers (and to me) asking two questions:
(1) What did we think of her decision to move over 3000 miles from home?
(2) Would we come to visit her regularly?
My brothers thought it was a great idea for her to move (away from them) and no they wouldn't be visiting on a regular basis - and they haven't. Walking on egg-shells, I made it clear that my life was overflowing already. Our children were very involved in our lives - and we seemed to be constantly involved in theirs. We promised ourselves that we'd 'let go' but couldn't turn our backs on our most significant investments - the one that would last many lifetimes.

The youngest of our 'investments', announced that she had decided to share her life with a young man we didn't think was the best choice. They'd decided to follow his dream and were moving across the Country. We maintained our relationship, sent money, and prayed life would settle down.

Mom decided to move, confident that her sons would visit and certain that nothing I did could ever be as important as spending time with her. I often give thanks that I was 'up front' with her. It helps to assuage the

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