by Kelan Putnam

Created on: September 07, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

INFINITE FORGIVENESS

Abuse has many implications, definitions, and resolutions. I believe that some people name ABUSE when others experiencing the same situation do not feel abused. When abuse is a feeling that is in a victim's mind without any basis in fact, it is another issue altogether.

Do I feel abused? By my definition, absolutely. As my father was dying, he didn't want to lose me completely as a daughter, nor did he anticipate his death. He acknowledged how neglected I was, how I was treated differently than my siblings, and how sorry he was. Since he was nearing his death, I did not want him to feel badly about a life I could never have expected to be so filled with suffering. Suffering that grew from no protection from my parents, and crucial effects of siblings who were as lost as I was, but needed me as a scapegoat. His guilt was unacceptable to me, particularly since he was filled with remorse.

My husband, after twelve years of marriage, left me. Throughout fifteen months, I was dragged through the courts, the nightmare of being alone in a house where he refused to take any responsibility for, but my cat Theo and I endured. My phone calls to him went unanswered or I received insults that I cannot even repeat. He moved into his brother's home, my sister-in-law welcomed him, and my life remained untouched by my family, or my in-laws. I had to beg for financial support from strangers, by buying a cheap car after an accident with a nice car I owned that was a total loss. Most people would have died, going down a ravine and accepting no medical treatment since I didn't know if I had health insurance.

I begged for counseling, I listened to my "mother" tell me to send her e mails because she didn't want to talk with me on the phone. I felt acutely aware of how alone I was. Those e-mails were spread through my family. My mother is disconnected from my reality. She only connects with negativity.

I have great friends. They were good to me, but the news about my husband, lawyers, court appearances, etc., wore on them. After a while, I just shut up as much as possible. I didn't find support groups, except for one called DivorceCare and it was based on religious rituals, included men and women and I attended with a woman for over a year and now she is a non-friend, too "busy" to have a conversation. We went through so much together, and she disappeared.

Once our divorce was final, the ink on the settlement dry, my husband began to call me. I remember one morning

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