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In divorce situations,the phrase, "putting children first," is the phrase everyone seems to use. Most people agree with the idea of putting the children first - in theory. In practice, whether or not anyone really puts the children first is an entirely different matter. In reality, the phrase, "putting the children first," is often nothing more than a joke that isn't at all funny

There are, of course, divorcing couples who will work together to place the children's needs first, but many divorcing parents won't or can't work together toward that aim. In some cases, one parent may be completely committed to putting the children first, but the other is not.

Even before a couple decides to divorce there's a good chance one or both partners were not putting the children first, because if they were they may have been more willing to work together to save the marriage. There are, of course, completely one-sided marriages, and there are abusive situations; both of which may be the fault of only one unwilling, uncooperative, or unreasonable partner.

Parents who show disrespect to the other parent in front of the children, and parents who fights in front of other children, are not putting the children first.

In divorce it is not putting the children first when one parent underestimates the relationship the other good, loving, parent has with the children. On the other hand, when one parent is not a good, loving, parent it is s/he who is not putting the children first by being the kind of parent s/he ought to be. Parents who underestimate the other's parent's relationship with the children don't even know they're doing it. They believe they're putting the children first.

The same applies to parents who underestimate the character or mental stability of the other parent. Again, parents don't always realize that when they try to keep their children away from an ex-spouse about whom they don't think very highly, there's at least the chance that - in the ugliness of divorce - they are wrong about the other parent (and wrong in trying to limit his/her time with the children). Under circumstances in which neither parent is negligent or abusive, any time either parent is willing to allow too little time with, or too much distance from, the other parent, s/he is not putting the children first.

When parents are able to be reasonable enough to put aside their differences and try to do what will be best for the children, their loving, parental, good sense can be undermined when the divorce

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