by Rachelle de Bretagne

Created on: September 06, 2008   Last Updated: November 01, 2008

It is natural that through our lives, the welfare of our children comes before our own welfare. Parents put themselves second during the years when children grow, and are happy to see them fly the nest with skills that take them into adulthood. When an adult child dies, the whole balance of the world we live in is thrown into turmoil. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Handling the passing of an adult child therefore poses many unknowns and this article is written to help those people faced with this unenviable situation.

*Facing up to the grief.

Dealing with grief is a very personal experience. No-one knows what you, as an individual are going through and no-one can tell you how to go through it.

The typical first stages of grief are numbness, questioning God, blaming life and in some cases harboring anger towards the deceased because they left you. These are normal feelings and ones that need to be felt. It's not unnatural to feel any of these emotions. Life has thrown you one large unmanageable problem that people don't face every day, and there is little wonder at the mixed emotions that come with it, simply because we don't expect this to happen and need to blame someone.

Letting the anger go is essential. Feel it, let it out in words in the privacy of your home, because until this is faced up to, the anger can get unbearable and can affect others involved within their own area of grief. Perhaps husband or wife have their own anger and their own need to express. Let them if they wish, though remember that their expressions may be every bit as strange as yours. Coping with the death of your child may also be coping with the death of a parent or wife to someone else.

*Practical application of responsibility.

Respect the wishes of those who have to make arrangements. By all means be there and contribute but remember that these affect the immediate family of your son or daughter. Grief support is essential because somehow the healing process starts with helping them through their own inner battles. It's hard to put on a brave face when your child dies, and you should never be afraid to ask for grief counseling if you feel you have no-one to turn to.
*Getting past regrets and on to memories.

Many adults find it hard to look at photographs of their child who has died. If you find too much reminder too painful, wait until you are ready to look at photographs and memories. Memories are there to sustain you in the future, not to remind you of your loss. Cry, talk and never be afraid of the emotions, as these help you to accept. Making the mistake of locking emotions away because they are too painful stops you from moving on, but more importantly, what it stops you from doing is remembering that child as a living person who touched your life.

*Letting go and accepting.

People only die if we let them. If we bury their memory in misery, they tend to remain stigmatic and difficult to remember. If we celebrate their lives, they will always be alive in spirit and will be able to be a valuable part of your future happiness. Even if they are not bodily there, what sustains those who lose anyone is getting past the loss and remembering the smiles, the achievements, the little acts of love that surrounded their lives, as these go beyond loss to sustain the grieving and to help them to find a road which leads them to quiet acceptance.

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