by John Traveler

Created on: September 06, 2008   Last Updated: April 17, 2010

There is no grief so profound, nor sense of loss so devastating, as that experienced when one of your own children passes. There are no words any one can offer in consolation which quite rise to meet the level of anguish and sorrow you feel. You have invested a lifetime in your child and they are after all your ultimate legacy, and when one of them dies a part of you dies with them. I can assure you, that it is not something you can ever live long enough to get over, but it is something you can hope to get past and learn to live with.

In the weeks following the loss of a child, a parent can expect to experience feelings of responsibility, to second guess what you could of done to prevent your child's death or perhaps even what you might have done that contributed to it. Another feeling you may encounter is survivors guilt. It is not unusual for a parent dealing with the death of a child to become withdrawn, to attempt to shut out the rest of the world, to try to avoid talking about or exposing the mosaic of feelings you are dealing with hour to hour. While such feelings are to be expected as part of the grieving process, it is important also to recognize even though your child is gone, you must go on.

A spouse at this point may be supportive but is likely also trying to cope with the loss. This may be true of other family members as well, particularly siblings who look to you for guidance and consolation. Perhaps there is a close friend you can depend on for support as you go through the grieving process, or on the other hand you may want to consult with your minister or a professional grief counselor. All of these options are good ones if it is going to help you to move along in your grieving process, but make no mistake, it is ultimately you, who will emerge from your tunnel of despair and rejoin life.

Nothing anybody can do or say, is going to bring back the loved one you have lost, but how you deal with it can help to replace the pain of that loss with a sense of worth and well being you need to go on. As you mature through your grieving process you will create new perspectives of your lost child and their meaning in your life. Yes, they will often be in your thoughts in the months to come, but you have the ability to design those thoughts, and establish new mental paradigms to turn your loss into purpose. Don't try to learn how to live without your lost child, learn instead, how to live for them.

The circumstances of your own situation are very special. After all you are a unique individual, as was the loved one who's loss you are now learning to live with. You must find what works best for you and build upon it. But the process of grief you will go through, is a path well traveled by others before you. Whether you are dealing with the loss of a child, parent, spouse, sibling, or someone else you have been close to, the process of recovery is very much the same. The most important thing to remember is that the grief process is an odyssey that is going to take time to unfold and the further down the path to your own recovery you go, the closer you will get to coming to terms with the loss of your child or other loved one.

And yes, the day will come when your anguish will give way to a sense of inner peace, the despair you've have been feeling will dissipate, being replaced by the warm sense of kindred spirit fostered by the fond memories of your loved one and the time you have shared with them. And then, as you reach the end of your grieving process, you will be freed from your remorse and able to celebrate the life of your lost loved one with every day of your own.

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