by Whitney Levon

Created on: September 05, 2008   Last Updated: October 21, 2009

Funerals are delicate situations. People are all affected by death in different ways, so you must be careful about what you say to the bereaved. I have been to my share of funerals, and have heard plenty of people say some very inappropriate things. If you really don't know what to say to someone, you can follow this guide of things to avoid. If you are still uncertain after reading this remember; You don't have to say anything at all. The fact that you showed up to honor their loved one is the most important part.

Consider the circumstances surrounding the death of the individual. This is extremely important, as things that seem appropriate in some situations may not be appropriate in others. For example, don't tell the grieving mother of a small child that it "was just their time to go." This is in no way comforting, as all parents expect to go before their child, not after. Remarking that someone who died suddenly is "at least their suffering is over" doesn't usually work since the person, we can assume, wasn't suffering until the point that they died.

Don't play "I told you so." Sometimes people die as a result of choices they make in life. This is something that the survivors have to deal with, and in some cases have great guilt over. "I told Bob smoking was going to kill him one day" is absolutely inappropriate. Bob's wife already knows that he probably contributed to his own death, and she probably thinks she should have tried harder to make him quit. These things are better off as thoughts and not statements.

Don't question the deceased's religious beliefs. Asking whether or not they were saved, or if they actually believed in God can be very hurtful. Even though religion is a personal choice, their loved ones may be wrestling with doubt over the fate of the deceased already. You don't want to add to their grief.

Avoid asking about the will or personal belongings. I think this one speaks for itself, but it happens more often than one would think. Even an innocent mention of the subject can be extremely aggravating. Remember that the immediate family will shoulder the responsibility of handling all of the final arrangements, including the estate. There is plenty of time to discuss this after the funeral.

Avoid the cliche statements. These would include references to how peaceful or natural they look,. "I can't believe they are really gone" and "What a beautiful casket." Instead of talking about the superficial things, it may be better to talk about the person, share favorite stories that you have.

The biggest one to avoid is "I understand what you are going through." The simple fact is, you don't. Even if you have lost a wife and they have lost a wife, everyone's relationship is different, the circumstances of every death are different. No two situations are the same, so no one truly understands what anyone else is going through. We can only try to be there to support each other through these times.

Funerals are stressful for everyone. They are not something that we ever look forward to, and it can be very difficult to know how to handle ourselves. We are all at a loss for words sometimes, and its hard to know the right thing to say. In most cases, if you truly speak from the heart and think about the person you are speaking to, you will say the right thing.

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