by W.D. Nelson

Created on: September 04, 2008

It's NEVER Too Late

"Long as you're breathing, you still got hope."

If I had a quarter for every time I heard that remark when I was drunk or under the influence of drugs or even talking to myself late at night, I still wouldn't be a rich man because I would've spent it! That is what any addict worth his salt would've done, and I was no different. Late at night, when the booze or the drugs stop working and there's no more left, that is when the fears, anxieties, sweats, shivers or all of them come at you all at once, running through your brain and your body at the same time. That's when I would think I was dying for sure, and I would start making deals with God once again, that he gives me one more day to live: "Long as you're still breathing, you still got hope". Is that really true God? If you let me live through the night, I still have hope, right? Please just let me live through the night. There's always hope and hope is all I got left, God. Please let me live and I'll prove that if I'm still breathing, I WILL use that hope to really quit this time!

There were times I would cry myself to sleep or lay still with my fears, while the lack of alcohol or drugs or both tortured my mind and made my body writhe or shake with horrible cold shivers and sweat. Everything was withdrawing from my body at one time. I would pray to die and then change that prayer to let me sleep. I never believed I would ever be able to sleep on nights like these, which made every minute seem like an hour. Somehow, I always fell off and found myself waking in a pool of sweat, or nausea or paralyzed by fear or anxiety or both. In those moments that I actually DID live through the night, I wasn't so sure that dying wouldn't have been better. How could I ever get myself straight with God about that deal I'd made with him in the middle of the night when the shakes and shivers made it seem easier to make deals than "tough it out"!

Right away, I would check the alarm clock on the upside down cardboard box sitting right at eye level so I wouldn't have to lift my head to see it. If it wasn't too early and the bars and liquor stores were open, I felt a moment of relief. I also, unfortunately, remembered the promised I'd made with God that if I'm still breathing, I WILL use that hope to really quit this time to use this new chance at life and the hope I would have which would create the power inside of myself to quit drinking. I also knew this was not the morning to try and make that happen. I also

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