by Barb's voice heard

Created on: September 04, 2008   Last Updated: September 08, 2008

Money can destroy a relationhip if one person has all the control of the finances. Agreeing to be fair and then going ahead and buyng whatever they want and justifying it to the spouse or intimate partner, and then refusing to agree on anything that the spouse may wish to buy or work towards. This is considered economic abuse and it is very much alive. It is about power and control and they see money as the power and control over their spouse. Sometimes one person can quit their job and force the other to work and do everything else also. The controlling spouse can also keep the other from working, not give them any money or a car, or if they do , they control every aspect of that. They make the money, therefore they make the rules. What century are we living in anyway?

Changing this can be almost impossible if there is emotional or physical abuse involved. If this is the case, get help from an abuse hotlineg or a community counseling can help or direct you to free counseling to help you untangle the web of lies of power and contol. If this is not the case and you just can't agree on where the money should go, then make a plan, communicate.
Over time, if you keep your head and keep communicating about fairness, equal partnership and keep trying to negotiate how the money is spent, what is to be saved, what is important to each of you and have a plan and goal in mind. Make a list of all the finances, how much you need to set aside for short term goals and long term goals. Prioritize what has to be paid first, like the mortage and credit cards, utility bilss, grocery bill, school clothes, ect. Invest if you enought left over or at least have a savings account. Even if you don't agree on all the issues, keep talking and re-negiotaitng until you make that agreement. Then follow thru with it and don't let it slide. Of course sometimes this is almost impossible if the spouse or intimate partner refuses to even negotiate, try a third party to help with this. If not, find out what is really important to you, and negotiate that. Usually, it is not having enough money that causes stress and makes money matters worse, and your realtionship. Feelings get in the way with this, as always, but keep your head and keep going. The most important thing is to keep in mind each other's goals and keep it real. Unrealistis goals have to be reevaluated and changed to something that will work for both of you.
Money isn't everything but we need it to survive in this world. It isn't the money you can bring with you, only your memories of this world. So make them good ones.

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