by Cherrine Banks

Created on: September 02, 2008

Today at approximately 9am est. my Aunt RuthElaine died so please accept my apologies for any ramblings. It was strange because I was literally scanning this channel concerning Relationships & Family and I was thinking about general article ideas/subjects such as how to have a family reunion, welcoming a foster child, or learning to say I love you. The shock of her death made me leave this computer for a few hours to connect with family/friends, speak with one of her surviving seven children, and reflect on her brief 64 years. Also, I took a few minutes to listen to the noisy children playing in the street, tolerate the nearby construction and hear the constant local traffic as blessings not burdens since she not here to enjoy the same.

I could only speak with her daughter for minutes because I knew that I could break down and wail without pause at my aunt's loss. Trying to imagine days filled without her musical voice, her laughter, or her words of wisdom. The main words of wisdom I recalled was back in 1997 when my mom/her sister died and we were at the funeral home. I was trying to stay calm during the last viewing of my mom's remains and she saw my distress. Like a good aunt, she touched my shaking shoulder and said, "Honey, your mom probably would have left us several months earlier but she knew that she had you and your family (father/sisters/nieces/nephews) to care for her so it gave her the strength to remain with us." Looking into my cocoa brown eyes brimming with tears, she continued, "We were able to say our goodbyes without regrets." These words allowed me to maintain the strength for the remaining evening.
It is because of her wisdom and character that I am able to write this article. I am not a social worker, a licensed mental health therapist, or a physician but I am qualified as a grieving family member to give hints for how you can minimize your regrets after your own loss. First, do not fight about silly things such as a ripped inexpensive jacket, stop calling the person for years, then wonder why the heck you fought. I can not count the conversations I have with people who have not spoken for 5 to 10 years but can not tell you why.

Also, stop comparing your children/young family members about who is more beautiful, more athletic, or smarter. The same way we loss older people we loss young people. Do you want to be at your young cousin's funeral remembering hateful comments made to him/her. Next, keep cell phone/landline/e-mail/fax/physical addresses current and make a deal with yourself review it once a month. One of my surviving aunts/her sister asked for contact information and I barely had any. I was embarassed since there are too many ways to connect.
Last, stop waiting for other folks to give family/friend updates and reach out yourself. Starting today, make an appointment on your calendar/to do list to email/phone/visit/write a few people and start with the older, less healthy members. If you are worried about his/her current health issue, just talk on the phone for a few minutes then visit later.

Honestly, we are creatures of habit but If you do one of the above we will be better for it. As I leave you today, do me a favor. Listen to the birds, watch a good sitcom, or enjoy the sunset because you can. (I want to donate this article's earnings to Lifetime Literacy foundation because my aunt was a firm believer in knowledge is power)

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