5 of 88

Write now Article Tools

In a stroke of brilliance, I have come up with a revolutionary new way to elect a U.S. president that is so obvious, and yet so effective, others will kick themselves for not having come up with the idea before. Or, as is more likely, they will berate themselves for having hit upon the idea, but not having followed up on it. Prior to making the grand revelation, though, let us first reflect on what makes the current election process so irksome.

One of the most irritating aspects of a presidential election is its length. (Some ice ages have come and gone faster than a presidential election.) First, a potential candidate must "test the political waters" before "putting his name in the hat" two tired expressions that get the campaign off to a tiresome start. Then, after a few months of the candidates "stumping for votes," come the first of the primaries. "Iowa and New Hampshire" is the battle cry unless, of course, you live in Florida or Michigan. (Oddly, you have thought that in all this time, someone would have come up with the obvious solution: hold primaries in alphabetical order.) Luckily, a few candidates are weeded out during these first primaries. Sadly, it is too few.

During the tedious, long-winded primary "season" you have party candidates dropping out and independent candidates jumping in and every so often, just when you've decided to ignore the whole thing and hope it goes away, you get a titillating revelation about one of the candidates concerning a high school indiscretion, and it keeps you on the hook a little bit longer. You experience "Super Tuesday" and some candidates seem all but out of the race. Then you have primaries in "swing states'" and those same candidates are now back in the race. Then finally, when the electioneering and sound bites have gone on and on and you're sure can't take any more, and you vow that not even the revelation that one of the candidates is the love child of Elvis and his pet parakeet Sparky will keep you tuned in, it is over.

Or it seemingly ends.

Each party throws a party (which in political jargon is referred to as a "convention," although you would never find such a spectacle occurring in a convent) and chooses a presidential candidate. Euphoria. You survived the bluff and bluster. You battened down the hatches and rode out the hurricane.

No. You're merely experiencing the eye of the storm.

Still ahead are another two months of he said, she said; he didn't, she won't; they will, he couldn't; and she did, but promises

• 1
• 2
• 3
• next page >>

Add your voice

Know something about Satire: Politics?
We want to hear your view. Write now!