by Candy Jules

Created on: August 28, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

As I became older, I started spending most of my time alone, and I like it that way. My children are all grown and gone. They all live a long way from here, so I got use to the aloneness. I am not lonely though. There is a big difference.

I live in my own little safety zone, and I prefer being alone rather than being with people. I'm not saying that I have no friends because I do, and I love them dearly. I just don't care to socialize all the time.

I hate my telephone. If I didn't need one, I wouldn't have it. Everytime I go to do anything, the phone rings. I usually talk to all my morning regulars before I can get my shower. I just don't want a phone hanging on my ear at all times. I see so many of my friends that are on their cell phones all the time. I don't even want one.

I have one little friend that calls me 4-5 times a day just to see what I'm doing. I actually told her that I hate talking on the phone, and she says, "I know." but she keeps on calling because she's lonely. Sometimes she comes to my house to visit me, then calls another friend on the cell and talks to her. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I really like my aloneness. This is the first time since I got my children raised, that I have actually got to make my own decisions. Cook what I want. I can do my housework, or I can loaf all day. I love it. I can stay up half the night and write on helium.

I can feel my thoughts, my memories, my hurts. I can cry and not have someone tell me that it will be okay. Friends mean well, that's what makes them friends, but there is not another person who knows how you actually feel. They want to, so that they can help. But sometimes, we just need to be alone to work it out by ourselves. This has been a hard year for me. I lost my mother, and my uncle six months apart. The anniversary of my mother's death is next month, and it's really hard.

Holidays are hard. As I told you, all of my family lives far away, so I spend my holidays alone. That gets lonely. but I make it through. and life goes on. They have their own families now. That's part of growing up, for parent and child. Letting go. Sure I miss them, but the new keep coming, and the old start fading into the background. As long as they're all happy, I'm good.

I was married a few times. I've outlived three of them. I can't live with another person. I am definately one of those that are meant to be alone. I talk to my children several times a month, and that's a good thing. I know that they love me, and they know that I love them. We make it work.

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