by Elizabeth Rogers

Created on: August 27, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

When my daughter got married I became a mother all over again. I decided long ago that there would be nobody in my family who was viewed as an in-law, because in-laws come with a host of "not real family" images and feelings. When my daugter started dating, I became pregnant, in a philosophical sort of way. A boyfriend or two became family miscarriages in terms of what we would become, but each one was taken seriously in terms of potenital.

In our culture, children fall in love and get married. As a mother-in-law, I am given a child to love in much the same emotional way as I took my baby home from the hospital nursery. My daughter had a personality all of her own and she began to make choices all along the way. My new "son" is one of those choices. I determined to love him right along with her. I respect his personality and the choice he made to marry my little girl. He loves that about me.

Bestowing the family honor of sonship on my son-in-law has helped make him want to be in our home often. When he and my daughter experience tension, I tell myself, "the kids are fighting" in the same way as I thought of it when she had to work through conflict with one of her siblings. It really is not such a big deal that they do not agree on everything or agree with me about everything. This freedom to be human goes a long way to make us willingly and lovingly united.

I learned this way of thinking from my own Mom. When I got married, my husband was given immediate family status. My mother did not side with me in any weighted way because I am her daughter by birth. She simply addresses issues that come up with the wisdom that she has to share. My husband of twenty-eight years is a non-expendable part of our family system and he knows it. My mom always got him "son" cards for his birthday, making the point come across very clearly, and though I do not buy those kind of cards, I say the words whenever I get the meaningful chance.

I am blessed by my daughter's choice of a husband. He and I laugh together easily and discuss many topics, always knowing that we are in safe and loving territory. I hope to have this same kind of relationship with my other childrens' spouses and I will certainly do my part to make this happen.

Being a mother-in-law is wonderful, because I am really just a mom and that man who shares my daughter's life is just another kid, wanting to be loved and respected. And the great part is, these two have begun putting down roots in the area I live in. I have a grandson who is part of my daily life and one more on the way. To my way of thinking, it just doesn't get much better than this! Family makes everyday a holiday. Blest be the tie that binds!

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