by Carol Gustke

Created on: August 26, 2008

I had very little self esteem as I was growing up. I couldn't make a decision without consulting others, and once a decision was made I could easily be talked out of it. In school, I bypassed difficult subjects such as Spanish or Algerbra, believing I was too dumb to learn it.

I married and had four children but I never worked outside of the home. Instead, I threw myself into housekeeping and raising children. At that time, a spotless house and well behaved children equaled acceptance from others.

At age thirty-eight, my husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. As horrible as this was, I still did not seek outside employment. Instead, we managed to get by on Social Security. Three years later, I met and married a man who had two children. So now there were six children to care for. There were problems from the beginning and thirteen years later, we divorced.

I was now fifty-four. My step-children had moved back with their mother and my children had married and were on their own. I faced a very uncertain future. How would I support myself? And who would hire a fifty-four year old woman with little education or skills, outside of housekeeping and child rearing?

One day a flyer came in the mail advertising classes at a nearby college. As I thumbed through the information, a spark ignited somewhere within me. Why not enroll in college and earn a degree? And that's exactly what I did.

Making decisions, other than what to fix for dinner and where to find the best clothing bargins, was a new frontier for me. I had no one to depend on for a secure future except me. I applied for and received financial assistance, I enrolled in required subjects; some of which required a great deal of effort to pass, and I took a part time job as a waitress.

Two years later I graduated with an Associate's degree and was hired to manage a home decorating agency. The job required traveling and the ability to make quality decisions. A few years before I never would have dreamed I was capable of such a feat. It's true, I was forced to take responsibility for myself. However, that's what it took to free me from the bondage of low self-esteem and dependency on others.

I would encourage any woman to have a life of her own before she enters marriage. Being responsible for yourself develops self-confidence. Through sucess and failures you learn to know what you are or aren't capable of. In my case, I was capable of more than I ever imagined. Once it's yours, no one can take it from you.

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