by Kelly Mastanduno

Created on: August 26, 2008

Living with someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder is not by any means an easy task, but what is often overlooked is that the person suffering from BPD is living in a nightmare him or herself. They don't mean what they say. They are often incapable of making rational decisions. They don't do what they do for attention, or to be controlling or difficult. They are depressed and confused. Then they are happy and regretful. Then angry and hopeless. I know, because I have this disorder.

For years I knew there was something "wrong" with me, but I had no idea what it was. I sought out a psychologist in high school, but since I did not know what it was like to be "normal", I did not understand that most of what I did was a symptom of a serious disorder. Anxiety and mild depression was my diagnosis, but even with a low-does anti-depressant things still weren't right.

I had many intense relationships, all but one I had ended because I went from being "in love", to despising the person. Not due to anything they did, but because they fell from what my expectations were, and my expectations were nothing less than lots of perfection. There was no room for let downs, mistakes, or even arguments. The one boyfriend who broke my heart left me because of my harsh behavior. I could not be without him and I was suffocating him. After a year of being together, his friends finally talked some sense into him and he called our relationship off. I was absolutely devastated. I felt lost in a world where I did not want to be. This is when I started self-mutilating out of extreme frustration and depressing hopelessness.

I went on to make more than the average amount of rash decisions and risky behaviors. My entire heart longed for stability, love and peace, but I caused for myself a lot of instability because of my inability to cope with things rationally. I also was not able to experience true love because my anticipation of the next catastrophe would keep my guard up and the BPD (unbeknownst to me at the time) caused me to look at every small mistake someone would make as rejection towards me. I felt unloved and misunderstood. Many people thought I was high maintenance, but all I wanted to be was peaceful. Some thought I was an attention seeker, but all I desired was love and acceptance. I ran people off when all I longed for was closeness.

Then I had a breakdown. A whole lot of turbulence went on in my life and I caved under the pressure. I could no longer take myself.

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