by Doug Burrell

Created on: August 24, 2008

I've been a fan of Mike Love's since I was a kid. He's the lead singer of The Beach Boys. Naturally, when I got married, I wrote to him to ask for advice on how to have a long and happy marriage. After reading his letter, it's no wonder my marriage failed so quickly.
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Dear Doug,

You asked me to share with you my recipe for a good marriage. Since I've been married dozens of times and been divorced

dozens more, I feel that I am an authority on what it takes to make a marriage successful. It is my sincere wish that you take the following
advice for what it's worth and use it in your own marriage so that it will last for as long as possible. Perhaps even three years, if you're
lucky.

First, it's always a good idea to knock a girl up before you marry her. This is especially true if you kinda like the girl, but aren't sure if
you want to marry her. Once you plant your seed inside of her, it takes all the pressure off of making a life-altering decision. At that point,
you have to marry her, whether you want to or not. Or, face the wrath of her barbaric father. Once you've been trapped into marrying her,
I've learned that you eventually learn to tolerate spending so much time together and even come to realize that marriage really isn't all that
bad. I mean, it could be worse, you could've turned out gay like Bruce Johnston. (Don't tell him I told you!)

Secondly, I recommend a "starter" marriage. That is to say, a "trial run", if you will. Find a girl you think is pretty hot, buy her a mink
coat and marry her. Then, just sit back and see how you like it. If you find it's pretty satisfying being married, then you know you're the
marrying type and, at that time, you can divorce her and find a girl you really want to marry. If, on the other hand, you see that marriage
isn't what you thought it would be, then you can just get divorced and either try it again with a different girl (take back the mink coat from
the first girl and give it to the next one) or forget the married life altogether.

Third in my list of things that will make for a successful marriage is to embellish your accomplishments. For example, I told my 8th wife that I wrote most of The Beach Boys songs. I even went so far as to file a lawsuit for writing credits on the songs in order to prove that I was
telling the truth. (Still can't believe I won!) Well, she was very impressed and she married me right away. Best six weeks of my life, I
tell you what. In your case, just tell your bride-to-be that you own an art gallery and you have your paintings displayed in fine art stores and
flea markets all over the country. You'll be sure to get her then.

Fourth, always wear a hat! I can't begin to explain how important this is! Just trust me on this one. You won't be sorry.

And, finally, fifth and last on my list is to marry a girl who is the same age as your children. This is assuming, of course, that you've
already been married several times and you have children who are at least 18 years old. (15 years old is okay if you happen to live in
South Carolina.) This is helpful because not only will you have a young, hot wife, but you'll also have someone who can hang out with your
kids and keep them company while you're touring. That way, you don't feel as guilty about not being around to raise them that much.

Doug, I hope you use this information to your advantage. If you follow my advice, you're sure to have a series of relatively long and somewhat fulfilling marriages. And, after all, isn't that what we're all looking for?

Good Vibes,
Mike Love

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