by Doug Burrell

Created on: August 23, 2008

A Call to my Sweetie

Last night, I called my sweetie, Beth. We've gone out for a few months now and she's pretty hung up on me. I mean, I don't want to sound conceited, but she really digs me a lott. Sometimes, I worry she's a little TOO into me. Anyway, when I called yesterday, her mother answered the phone.

"Hello," she said.

"Hi, this is Doug. May I speak to Beth, please?" I asked in my sweet, but masculine voice.

"Doug? I don't know any "Dougs". You must have the wrong number" she replied.

"No ma'am, I'm the guy who sent the flowers to Beth." I explained.

"Oh, hi Phillip!" she said.

"Um...no, it's Doug."

"Hmm...no, sorry. Doesn't ring a bell," she insisted.

"But..." I protested, only it was too late. She hung up.

I figured there must have been some sort of misunderstanding, so I called back.

Her mother answered again, "Hello."

"Hi, don't hang up! I just want to speak to Beth," I said.

"Is this John?" she asked.

"No, it's Doug. I'm calling for Beth. May I please speak to her?" I pleaded.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I know who this is. Michael, you're such a jokester." She started to giggle.

Undaunted, I kept trying.

"I'm not Michael. I'm Doug. Don't you remember? I've been over to your house for dinner. I brought my daughter along. I've been going out with Beth for a good while now."

"Now see here, mister," she replied angrily. "I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but Beth has never mentioned anyone named Doug. I've heard of Don, Jim, Shane, Kevin, Terry, William, Tim, Jose, Arsenio, Soo Yung..."

"Please," I interrupted, "just let me speak to Beth."

"Screw you, you pervert!" she said, then hung up again.

I began to sense that Beth might have innocently seen a fella or two or thirty behind my back. Still, I knew that if I could only talk to her, I could figure this out and everything would be okay.

I devised a plan to disguise my voice and use a British accent. I called again and, predictably, her mother answered.

"Gi'day," I said in my obviously fake accent. "I'm a man with a British accent and I'd like to speak to your daughter."

"Oh, hello Peter!" her mother said. "It's so nice of you to call. Beth has been looking forward to hearing from you. I'll get her now."

I was a bit confused, but glad at least to finally get to talk to Beth. I heard her mother hand her the phone.

"Hello, Peter. I've been waiting for you," Beth said in a very sexy, sultry voice.

"Um...heh...hi, Beth. It's me...Doug," I stuttered. I began to think she was a little upset when she screamed, "Crap! What do you want?! I'm waiting for an important phone call!"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go out Friday night," I said hopefully.

"Ugh! Where are you taking me this time, Chuckie Cheeses?" she asked sarcastically.

"No, I was thinking maybe that nice Italian restaurant they just opened. Maybe even a movie," I suggested.

"You better be paying!" she demanded.

"Yes, of course."

"And, you'd better not try anything or I'll belt you good!"

"Okay."

"Hold on," she said, "I've got another call."

"Hi, darling, I've been waiting for you. Did you stop by the drugstore and get what you need for our date?", I heard Beth say.

"Um...this is still Doug," I said.

"Dammit!" she screamed. "Hold on!"

After holding for about thirty minutes or so, she came back on the line.

"Alright, I'll go, but have me home by 8, I've got some other plans that night."

"Great! Then it's a date!"

Click. (That was the sound of her hanging up.)

I was so happy. I knew right then that Beth wasn't interested in anyone else but me. I was the only guy for her.

Like I said, I don't like to brag, but some guys have it and some guys don't. It's nice being one of the guys who do.

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