by Robert Thistle

Created on: August 23, 2008   Last Updated: November 01, 2008

A monumental day in my longevity on this planet occurred last week when I turned fifty years of age. Gazing into my enchanted mirror, I rejoiced in my obvious youth and felt sorry for those who were over fifty-one. A slight graying around the temples offered a more mature image. And the spring in my step and well boned body, or is that well toned, gave me an uncommon confidence I had not known in years.

Recently divorced, the childish notion of dating slipped into my conscious mind. Yes, I thought, with an almost holy fervour. I will be as those knights of old when they ventured on their quests for the holy grail. My quest would be the thoughtful search leading to the holy grail, a young lady who might possibly desire to be in my company. Not likely, but we must think in positive terms when in pursuit of our dreams.

Having been out of touch with the dating scene and reality, I decided to seek some advice from a professional on dating young ladies. To whom would I turn? Visions of a cabin in the bush imploded my thoughts. Without further hesitation I thumbed my way to my friends place in the Ottawa Valley. Old Ed.

Upon entering his cabin, Ed's clouded vision met mine and suggested I sit.
Why in tarnation would you want to get married again, he thundered?
How in the name of all that is wonderful did you discern that, I shouted back?
Calm down boy, it's the stupid look on your face. You got that, I just got my first kiss from Belinda look.
Back in her high school days, Belinda played quarterback for the local football team. They were short of men, and boys. And her busty beacons diverted so much attention the other team invariably fumbled.

Ed's physiology halted in time as he commenced to think. Slowly his perpendicular frame started to tilt. Well into a 30 degree angle, it collapsed into his humoured rocking chair. Waking with a start he uttered an historical slew of cuss words that made even Jake the dog blush.
So you need advice on how to enter the dating scene without seeming to be green.
Being green had nothing to do with the environment for Ed. It simply meant you was plain dumber than Bessie his cow. I mean, allowing someone to squeeze you by the...utter nonsense.

Ed's face took on a fatherly apparition. Appearance. He spoke in low tones, trying to sound like an ancient bard. Or is it ancient sage. Oh well, thyme will tell.
Three things you have to remember when deciding to take a girl out on a date.
First make sure you wash your face. Nothing worse than looking like Friday nights' stew.
Second, when you have spent the day shoveling manure, be liberal with the cologne. You can't let her know what you do for a living.
Third, last and most important of all. Spit out your chewing tobacco before you kiss her. Else she will start to chew it herself and won't want to kiss you.

Isn't turning fifty exciting.

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