It was just an ordinary day. But, my tooth hurt and I needed assistance. The lady on the phone was exceptionally nice, she even had this cute little southern drawl which gave me that down home feeling that everything was going to be fine. "Come on in around 10:45 and we'll see what's going on." Well, I knew what was going on, my tooth hurt like heck and I needed anesthesia or euthanasia either one was acceptable to me.
I had never been to this dentist before. I do not go to the dentist. If my teeth don't bother me, I don't bother them-we have an agreement. The tooth behind my eyetooth broke that agreement so I was forced into action. The waiting are the dentist's office was exquisite. It was just like the homiest living room with Berber carpet and fireplace, a fifty gallon fish tank (complete with Nemo) and a fountain. As I sat there listening to all this running water, I wondered what subliminal message they were trying to convey. Did they think the sound was soothing? Was it designed to divert the thought process? Or, did they hope it would make you want to empty your bladder before you got into the chair so you wouldn't soil the work room floor when they rammed that number 10 knitting needle into your gum? Whatever, it worked all the way around.
I soon found myself standing in front of this machine. An x-ray machine they called it, I called it something designed to suck your brains out and turn them into hamburger. The instructions were impossible:
1. Stand facing the machine with your feet slightly under it.
2. Grab onto the handles with both hands
3. Put your chin on this little box in front of you
4. Look into the mirror and position the line of light directly in the center of your nose.
5. Stick this plastic thing in your mouth and bite down.
6. Stand still do not move.
Here I was holding on to this machine in a diagonal position with a white plastic thing stuck in my mouth with a light beam going down the center of my face as these boxes circled my head. I expected someone from Candid Camera to jump out and tell me to smile. They had to pry my hands loose after using them to support my ample frame for nearly five minutes. The strongest man in the world would have been hard pressed to last that long!
It wasn't too bad though. After they finished they let me relax in this reclining chair. My eyes wandered across the walls and out the window where there was mini bird sanctuary at least there was no running water. Then it happened. My eyes fell on the wall beside the chair. I lay facing a collection of aboriginal weapons. There was a hatchet, a knife, a sword, a boomerang and a throwing stick. When the dentist came in I made good and sure he didn't plan to use them as dental instruments. A person can't be too careful these days. He assured me he wasn't and then he showed me this club that the aborigines used to hunt with. Apparently they used the throwing stick to knock the legs out from under their prey, then they beat it with the club and on the other end was a stone blade with which they skinned the animal. I told him as long as he didn't try to clean my teeth with it I would be all right.
Numbing was fun something tasted like bananas. I am not sure what it was. It may have been my jaw. They do call me Jana Banana after all. There was absolutely no pain to this thing; just a lot of tugging, pressure and cracking noises. I think it was his knuckles. Within a very short time, he said I could get up. Easy for him to say, I was still swooning over the Novocain, I think it trumped my Zoloft.
His assistant said, "Oh, that gap is going to show. There are options. We can put in an implant and cap or do a bridge." The implant and cap was $1700 and the bridge $2700. So, I shall be buying a 75 cent pack of white Chiclets and do just fine-thank you. I could even be festive at Christmas and wear a red or green one. At any rate, it is not that noticeable. If I stand looking straight ahead and don't turn to the right and don't open my mouth, no one will ever know. Of course, when school starts back there will be some smart Alecky first grader have to mention it. They don't miss anything.
Did you ever have one of those dreams that all your teeth are falling out and you can just reach up and pull them out with your bare hands? I hate that dream. Of course, it isn't as bad as the dream where you are naked in public. I hate that dream too, I am always in school or waiting for the bus in that dream. The worst part is that nobody else seems to notice you're naked it's like being married to the same man for 30 years he doesn't notice either.
How I got off on that tangent I shall never know. But I do know that the Novocain is wearing off and my tongue is getting raw and the store is about to close and I have to go buy those Chiclets-it just goes to prove it is always something!