by Jana Barrett

Created on: August 22, 2008   Last Updated: August 24, 2008

It was just an ordinary day. But, my tooth hurt and I needed assistance. The lady on the phone was exceptionally nice, she even had this cute little southern drawl which gave me that down home feeling that everything was going to be fine. "Come on in around 10:45 and we'll see what's going on." Well, I knew what was going on, my tooth hurt like heck and I needed anesthesia or euthanasia either one was acceptable to me.

I had never been to this dentist before. I do not go to the dentist. If my teeth don't bother me, I don't bother them-we have an agreement. The tooth behind my eyetooth broke that agreement so I was forced into action. The waiting are the dentist's office was exquisite. It was just like the homiest living room with Berber carpet and fireplace, a fifty gallon fish tank (complete with Nemo) and a fountain. As I sat there listening to all this running water, I wondered what subliminal message they were trying to convey. Did they think the sound was soothing? Was it designed to divert the thought process? Or, did they hope it would make you want to empty your bladder before you got into the chair so you wouldn't soil the work room floor when they rammed that number 10 knitting needle into your gum? Whatever, it worked all the way around.
I soon found myself standing in front of this machine. An x-ray machine they called it, I called it something designed to suck your brains out and turn them into hamburger. The instructions were impossible:
1. Stand facing the machine with your feet slightly under it.
2. Grab onto the handles with both hands
3. Put your chin on this little box in front of you
4. Look into the mirror and position the line of light directly in the center of your nose.
5. Stick this plastic thing in your mouth and bite down.
6. Stand still do not move.
Here I was holding on to this machine in a diagonal position with a white plastic thing stuck in my mouth with a light beam going down the center of my face as these boxes circled my head. I expected someone from Candid Camera to jump out and tell me to smile. They had to pry my hands loose after using them to support my ample frame for nearly five minutes. The strongest man in the world would have been hard pressed to last that long!
It wasn't too bad though. After they finished they let me relax in this reclining chair. My eyes wandered across the walls and out the window where there was mini bird sanctuary at least there was no running water. Then it happened. My eyes fell on the wall beside

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