Samantha gazed lovingly at the small toddler drawing beside her, watching his chubby little hands wield the pencil with a skill far superior than she had seen any other four-year-old possess. His face was fixed in a focused expression, his brows furrowed, his eyes carrying an intent glint. He was adorable.
"It's God." He said proudly as he laid the pencil on the table, and displayed his picture to his mother. Samantha leaned over to observe, and somehow managed to identify God's kind figure in the jumble of scribbles and disarrayed circles.
"That's nice, honey." She smiled, and patted his hand. He flashed her a grin, and set back to his drawing with a serious look.
She leaned back in the reclining cushioned chair. Looking at Kevin shift and turn struck a chord in her heart, as if she had seen someone do it before. Something about that mass of dark curls toppled upon his head triggered something painful in her memory. Something long ago, but not forgotten.
Sadness overtook the proud look in her eyes as she remembered that day eleven years ago, when she had been only sixteen. Her eyes closed slowly, as if to shut out the memories. The memories kept flooding. She remembered a boy; a classmate with an extremely contagious smile and a head full of dark curls
*
"Hey, Sam." The voice on the other side of the phone said cheerily, a familiar drawl evident in his voice.
"Jake Ellis!" Sammy laughed, thinking about her outspoken sixteen-year-old friend. "How have you been?"
"Great, Sammy. Hey, I reckon you're free tonight?" Something about his voice startled her. He sounded somewhat apprehensive, if that were possible with Jake. He never sounded that way.
Still, Sammy shrugged it off. It probably wasn't important, anyhow.
"Yeah, I think so. Why, have you got something in mind?" The voice on the other end suddenly went quiet. Sammy waited for Jake to reply, but it seemed he had forgotten he was having a conversation with someone. "Jake?"
"Huh?" Jake sounded startled. "What's that?"
Sammy gave a little smile. "I said, what do you got in mind?"
"Oh. Well, nothing really." He hesitated. "Just thought of maybe picking up some pizza and heading to the creek."
"Alright. Sounds cool. Seven sound good?"
"Sounds fine. See you, then."
"Yeah. Later!" Then, Sammy hung up. She wondered what was wrong with Jake. He had never before in his life sounded so hesitant. Afraid, almost.
No matter. She had to make sure her mom knew before she left. Still, she had a feeling that Jake wasn't just going to complain about not having the guts to be able to talk to Maggie Dylans. She had a feeling that it was going to be something a lot more serious than that.
*
"What you frowning about, Jake?" Sammy asked her normally jovial friend as she bit into a hot pizza. He had been abnormally all evening, and she couldn't comprehend it. She dipped her toes in the cool, refreshing water of the creek, and wiped the grease on her fingers onto her old red shirt.
Jake started, and looked back at her with what was an attempt and nonchalance.
"I'm not frowning." He said casually, and snatched a slice from the box.
"Yeah, you are." She retorted, taking another bite. In between mouthfuls, she managed a sentence. "And you've barely said a word to me all night."
Jake shrugged, and chomped on his pizza. Sammy peered hard at him, and then gave him a set look. She laid the pizza on her lap, and brushed crumbs from her hands.
"Alright, Jake. What is it?" She asked a touch suspiciously, drilling at him with her light brown eyes.
"What do you mean?" Jake asked as he gulped.
Sammy flipped back her shoulder-length brown hair, and sniffed. "You don't fool me, Jake. What's wrong?"
Jake grimaced, and finished off his pizza. "I've got something to say, Sam." He sighed.
"Well, out with it!" She urged impatiently, wishing he'd get to the point. He'd always been one for beating around the bush.
He hesitated, but finally took a deep, deep breath. "I was talking to Maggie."
Puzzlement crept over her young features, but was quickly replaced with joyous realization.
"Jake!" She cried, and happily threw her arms around him. She laughed into his shirt. He had done it. She was so glad. How many times had she told him that if he ever wanted Maggie Dylans to look at him he'd have to make the first move? He'd done it! She was so proud of him. She drew back, beaming. "I'm so happy for you! Now all that's left is for Jimmy Reynolds to turn
around and realize I exist!" She picked her pizza back up, and took a large bite.
Jake cleared his throat. "He has, Sammy."
What was left off the pizza abruptly fell out of her hand. The little that she had been in the process of swallowing suddenly stuck in her throat, obstructed by a large lump that had suddenly risen in her throat. She reached over, and shook Jake's shoulder violently.
"Soda. Soda!" She croaked, pounding her chest in an effort to regain breath. Jake thrust her the bottle of soda, and she gulped it down, unaware of the trickles that dripped off her lips and onto her chin. When she could finally breathe again, she wiped the trickles away with a sleeve, and turned wide eyes back to a nervous-looking Jake.
"What do you mean?" She asked warily. It could not be. She had been in the same class with Jimmy Reynolds for sixteen years, and he'd never said so much as "hello" to her. Why would he choose now? But, she so desperately prayed Jake was telling the truth.
"I mean" Jake paused, and looked away. "I mean he knows your name."
Sammy was at a loss for words. Jimmy Reynolds had noticed her? Her eyes widened, her fists tightened. "Jake, this had better not be a joke-"
"It's not! God, I wish it-" His words were cut off when, with a joyous cry, Sammy flung herself at Jake, all the while yelling happily.
"Oh, Jake, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me! Did you talk to him? What did he say? What did you say? Goodness, Jake, you had better not have told him I liked him; you promised you wouldn't! Did he talk about me? Of course he did! Where were you? Jake? Jake! Why aren't you smiling?" She paused her questions when Jake cringed and turned away from her.
"Jake," She asked softly. "What's wrong?"
Jake moved back to face her, and it took a moment to realize that there were tears brightened his eyes. "I was talking to Maggie, and we started talking about you, since she commented that we always hang out. I didn't mean to. Honest! But, we were talking about you and I kind of let on that you likedhim."
Sammy was shocked. That was why he was crying? She had told him not to tell, but if that was all there was to it Sammy sighed, and put an arm around Jake.
"Come now, Jake," She whispered with a smile. "You don't have to cry because Maggie Dylans knows that I like Jimmy. She won't tell, I don't think. She's a good girl. Oh, stop crying, Jake, it's alright!"
Jake let a tear leak out of one eye, and he didn't even reach up to wipe it away. "You don't understand. Maggie isn't the only one who knows."
Sam shrugged. "As long as it ain't Jimmy, I don't care."
Jake grew silent, and started to stare at his hands, uncomfortably. Sammy felt horror take over her heart. She recoiled, her arm hastily withdrawing from Jake's shoulders.
"No, Jake. You didn't!" She gasped. She couldn't believe it. Jake had grief written all over his face. Still, Sammy didn't get angry. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise? Maybe, now that he knew, he would realize he loved her.
"I'm sorry, Sam. Reynolds overheard, and then he said that that he would never date an...an underweight cow."
The wind blew out of her, and it wasn't the pizza that held her breathless. She stared at Jake, comprehending, but trying hard not to believe. She searched for something in his face, something that would assure her that this was all a joke, that the last few minutes had been a lie. Nothing. He was telling the truth. Jimmy Reynolds despised her.
How could this happen? Oh, God, why? Her eyes started to fill, and her hands started to shake uncontrollably.
"I hate you." She said at last, her voice unsteady and bitter.
Jake's eyes pleaded. "Sammy, please!"
"I hate you!" She screamed, and threw the empty soda bottle at him. "God curse you, I hate you! Hate, hate, hate you!" Then, she turned, and began to run. Run from her problems. Run from Jake.
"Sam, don't go! Please!" She could hear him scrambling up, trying to follow her. He would never catch up to her. She was faster, and she was ahead. She ignored his fading, distant pleas; she kept running. She had to go somewhere. She had to get home. She had to get to her bed. She had to cry.
*
Morning was like a dull dagger to her heart, and she cried pitifully when she realized that it had not been a dream. Jimmy, forever gone. Jake oh, Jake!
Why had she said those things? Why had she cared more for a boy she had never spoken to than her best friend? She wished she could rewind time, and then she could tell Jake that it was all right, rather than screaming at him. Too late, now. He deserved an apology; she deserved the humiliation when she gave him one. It had not been his fault. She had to apologize.
Forgetting completely about breakfast, she dove onto her bike. She would explain to her mom later. Now, she had to talk to Jake,
She had always liked Jimmy, but Jake was her friend. They had been through everything together, they knew eachother's secrets, every single one. She could not believe she had just told him she hated him. She did not. She loved him. He was like the brother she had never had, her ultimate lifesaver, and her best friend. He was Jake.
She parked the bike infront of Jake's house, and approached the door, all the while thinking of what to say to him. Oh, forget fancy apologies! She would say what she felt. She would confess to him that's he had been an idiot, and pleased could he forgive her? Could he forgive all the words she had said and the things she had done?
She could hear the high-pitched ringing of a bell even as she pressed the doorbell, and she heard slipper-covered feet approaching the front door. It surprised her to see Jake's mother open the door still in her nightgown, but it surprised her even more to catch sight of her puffy, red-rimmed eyes. She had been crying.
"Mrs. Ellis?" She asked timidly, wondering if it was a good time. No, she had to see him! No matter what. "Is Jake busy? Oh, it doesn't matter if he's busy! I have to talk to him!" She said hurriedly.
The hollows in Mrs. Ellis' eyes deepened, and her face registered painful shock.
"You don't know?" Mrs. Ellis gasped.
Sammy paused for a moment. "Know what?" She asked carefully. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Ellis, but I have to see him now!"
Mrs. Ellis sighed, and Sammy saw tears welling up in her eyes.
"You haven't heard." Mrs. Ellis mumbled with a sniffle.
Embarrassed, Sammy shook her head, peering past Mrs. Ellis' shoulder anxiously. "Is Jake sleeping?" She asked, her brows furrowed in anxiety. "I'll go wake him."
She started to step around Mrs. Ellis, but the woman caught her sleeve in a tight grip.
"Samantha, Jake is dead!"
Sammy froze. Her head swiveled to Mrs. Ellis.
"Excuse me?" She stammered, shocked and aghast.
"Jake's gone, Sammy." Mrs. Ellis said, the extreme grief evident in her voice, as the tears were evident in her eyes.
Sammy was simply too shocked to cry. What had Mrs. Ellis said? She must have misheard her.
"What?"
Mrs. Ellis, seeing that Sammy was shocked, guided her into the house and into a chair. Sammy followed listlessly. Mrs. Ellis had to be lying. She had to! It was impossible. She had seen him last night. He had been crying, but he had been alive! What had happened?
It surprised her to see a cup of hot chocolate set out infront of her, and Mrs. Ellis seated opposite her chair. Sammy took the cup, but did not bring it to her lips.
"Is he really..." Her voice faltered, and didn't pick up. Mrs. Ellis reached out and touched her hand gently.
"Last night, he was seen running straight into a street, when a truck collided into him." Mrs. Ellis clumsily stifled a sob. "A doctor was nearby, and looked him over, but it was too late. He had died instantly."
Sammy's grip tightened on the cup, oblivious to the tears now streaming down Mrs. Ellis' cheeks. Running. He had been seen running. Running to find her. It struck her like a ton of bricks, and her heart rumbled under the stony weight.
She stood up stiffly from her chair, the hot chocolate forgotten.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Ellis." She said, her voice strangled. "II have to go." Then, she darted out of the house. Jake's house.
She jumped onto her bike, forgetting to wipe the tears that had suddenly appeared on her cheeks. She rode, uncaring of where she went, as long as she rode. Realization was painful. He had been seen running. It was her fault. It was all her fault.
The tears filled both her eyes, blurring her already pain-obstructed vision. She wiped them away, and when she looked up she pressed the brakes so hard that the tires screeched. She swerved, barely in time to miss the little boy playing jump rope. The turn was too sharp, and the bike fell to the burning cement, bringing her tumbling with it. She hit the ground with a cry, and the bike toppled over her.
That was how it had been. A truck, driving. Jake, running. The driver had been distracted, just for a second, and when he looked back to the road, it had been too late. The only difference was, the driver hadn't been able to turn in time.
She lifted herself up with her hands, ignoring the scratches she had obtained. She crawled out from the weight of the bike, and onto the grassy lawn beside the sidewalk. She sat up to her knees, and suddenly, on instinct, buried her face in her hands. She could not hold up the dam any longer, then, and the tears flowed freely, uncontrollably.
"Oh, Jake, forgive me!" She sobbed. "God, please, let him forgive me!" She burst into another fit of anguished tears.
*
"Do you like it, Mommy?" Her boy's small voice interrupted her painful memories, and her eyes slammed open. Her child looked at her with a sudden expression of worried concern, and reached out to touch her cheek. "Why are you crying?"
Suddenly aware of the tears on her face, Sammy wiped them away, hoping that he would not inquire further.
"It's nothing, Kevin, sweetie. Keep on drawing." She answered sweetly, still attempting to erase any evidence of her sudden pain.
Kevin crinkled his nose. "Jake says it's because you miss him."
Sammy felt a chill go down her spine. The chill continued for an eternity, spreading to her entire body. Her hands suddenly felt numb. Her tears suddenly felt like winter icicles. She had never told Kevin about Jake. She had never told anyone.
"What did you say, sweetie?" Her voice quivered. How had Kevin known?
Kevin shrugged, his small shoulders displaying nonchalance, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
"Jake told me, Mommy."
Samantha froze. Her voice was filled with disbelief. "Jake?"
"You don't see him, Mommy?" Kevin asked, puzzled. A chubby finger pointed past her shoulder, and he said, "He's right there."
Samantha spun quickly, holding her breath with all her might. She gazed where Kevin pointed. Nothing.
She slumped in her seat, but then quickly started.
"What does he look like, Kevin?" She inquired nervously, fingering anxiously with the edges of her armrests. Did Kevin making it up? No. How could he? He had been born seven years after Jake's death, and she was sure his grandmother or grandfather had ever mentioned it to him. Her breath caught. Was Kevin seeing an. angel?
Kevin stared into the mass of nothing but air for a moment, and then started to draw. Realizing what he was doing, Samantha scooted her chair closer, afraid of the results.
It was hard to identify a human form in Kevin's art, but she soon made out a figure: a boy wearing a blue shirt with a large white circle in the center, and black shorts. The clothes Jake had been wearing when she last saw him; when he died. The finished touch: a mass of dark curly hair.
Suddenly, something held her breath for her. Her voice choked up, she could only whisper one word:
"Jake." She breathed. She looked at the spot where Kevin had previously pointed. He was there. He was watching.
Suddenly, Kevin started to jump in his seat, and he started to point excitedly at the same spot.
"He's going, Mama! He's disappearing! He's saying he says" The boy paused.
Sammy looked at Kevin, anxious.
Kevin, still looking at the spot with big brown eyes, finally spoke, his voice soft and gentle. "He says he forgives you, Mommy."
Sammy couldn't help it. Before she knew what came over her, she had buried her face deep in her hands, her elbows digging hard into the table. Familiar drops of salty tears spread over her cheeks like a falling scarf, and her sobs seemed to echo in the halls of eternity.
Kevin reached over to his crying mother, and patted her long hair. She continued to cry.
God had answered her prayer. Jake had heard her. He was in heaven, now. He was watching her. He still loved her. He had forgiven her.
"Oh, thank you, Jake." She sobbed. "Thank you, God."