by Mariana Somerset

Created on: August 19, 2008

I sit upon my bed
Wondering where I'll be
Thinking about my friends
Perhaps even a guy

My thoughts prove to be good entertainment
A distraction from school and visiting guests
An escape from my family
But also a burden in themselves

I lay down to fall asleep
But thoughts start racing in my mind
Why is it that now I must start to ponder
What I'm most curious about?

I wonder what exactly the after-life is like

Why am I a certain way?
Why can't I be better?
How would things be different if this happened?

Why is the world such a cruel place?
What is it like to be trapped in a useless body?
How does eternity even work?
What will I be like in 30, 40, 50 years?

Sometimes the possibilities are disturbing
And I lie awake uneasy and uncomfortable
I get a queasy feeling deep in my stomach
Like I'm guilty for something I've done wrong

But I'm haunted by the answers to my own questions
I will cry myself to sleep
I will lie awake for hours, stuck on a certain thought
I will watch the seconds tick away
While I count them as wasted time

My deepest inquiries come to mind
As I attempt to fall asleep
The distractions of the day are gone
My tedious routine is done and over with

So now my mind forces me to contemplate
The things I've put off thinking about
The memories I've shoved to the back of my brain
The questions I'm too afraid to ponder
Because I'm afraid of the answers I'll come up with

I feel like an insomniac incapable of rest
As tired as I am, I just can't climb in bed
My tasks and to-do list have been completed
But my day isn't over yet
I have more pointless things to do

My sleeping pattern is so contorted
I'll stay awake till 1, 2, 3 and longer
Not because it's what I want
But simply to keep myself engrossed
In something other than my thoughts

And when I finally start to yawn
Hours after I should be asleep
I bring myself to fold down my sheets
Because now I've exhausted my body
And as soon as my head hits the pillow
I guarantee I'll fall asleep

Then I won't lie awake for hours
Thinking about everything I've shoved aside
Everything I'm so afraid to confront
Because my body is simply too weary
To drown itself in useless thought
And exhaust itself mentally as well

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