All of us have the ability to identify a good listener after talking to the person for 5 minutes. It's just that sometimes, we are not aware of the fact that we know. I call this phenomenon the "unconscious awareness" effect. The "unconscious awareness" effect works in most aspects of our lives. For example, an experienced driver on the road has a higher probability of avoiding a car accident than a new driver. An experienced writer will be able to identify a good piece of writing among a collection of works by various authors than a writer who is a beginner. An experienced sports trainer will be able to identify the potential among his trainees as compared to a less experienced one. What happens in all these cases is the fact that a person who is more experienced in a certain area or profession will be able to use his or her prior knowledge to assess a particular situation or a course of action better. This usually happens on a subconscious level.
Identifying a good listener is no different. All of us are communicators and have been communicating with various individuals since we were born. Therefore, we already possess whatever skills and abilities that are required to identify a good listener. While this often takes place at the subconscious level, it is still possible for us to discuss the common physical signs that good listeners display since they have a common pattern. Understanding these characteristics will enable us to sift the better listeners from the rest.
It will be good to start with the most important element when it comes to interpersonal communication: eye contact. When we want to communicate with someone, eye contact is essential for success. There is no other way. Even when it comes to public speaking, we will still need to sweep our eyes across the room and maintain eye contact with specific members of our audience to engage them as we speak. There is no avoiding it. It is good to note that the duration when one maintains eye contact with the other party is even more important. Avoiding eye contact at all times will often result in shifty eyes, which is not conducive to active listening or even communicating. Maintaining minimal eye contact signifies disinterest or boredom. Maintaining eye contact for a substantial amount of time while looking away for 2-3 seconds at a regular time interval signify remarkable interest in the speaker and is a mark of a good listener. Maintaining eye contact without looking away is more of an indication of romantic interest. Staring or glaring at the person indicates aggression or hostility. Regrettably, the last two actions are among the behaviours which some of us are not aware of.
Some of us have the perception that individuals who use "prompters" such as "Yeah", "I see", "I understand" are good listeners. Well, the fact is that doing so does show that they are good listeners. But that's just it. Doing so doesn't mean that they are good listeners, but that they are merely giving others the impression that they are. I am not saying that prompters are not useful. In fact, they are very useful and we should all use it when listening to others. However, we must be sincere when listening to others at the same time. If not, the use of prompters becomes manipulative. Using prompters without listening might be able to fool the speaker for a while, right till the point when he or she asks us to summarise what has just been said. That's when we will be caught dumbfounded. But there's more. Good listeners summarise what they have heard regularly. So, when we come across someone who uses "prompters" and summarises the points that we are making, it's a good bet that they are listening. And I mean really listening.
There are many ways that people are considered to be good listeners through an observation of their body language. I will not go into this area in detail because personally, I feel that body language can be faked and what with the proliferation of books on body language, it is not difficult for someone to pretend to be a good listener. So, my advice to all of you is this: Do not base your judgement on someone's body language when it comes to assessing someone's listening skills. It's not accurate. Rather, gauging someone's listening abilities through a combination of the use of prompters and summarisation of points as mentioned above- is a much better idea.
What has been said above are just some accurate ways to assess if someone is a good listener. However, have you met someone who not only does the above but consistently asks questions about the subject that you are talking about as well?
If so, this person is not only a good listener but a great one. This is because we need a substantial amount of concentration and focus to ask questions based on what the speaker is talking about. And this is even more so when we want to ask the right questions since this requires not only listening skills but analytical skills as well. These activities require almost 100 percent of our concentration, often leaving no room for distraction. In fact, he or she can be considered to be a great communicator too as we all know that good listening skills cannot be dissociated from good communication skills.
So, the next time you chat with someone, make the above mentioned observations and I am sure you will know who to invite for the next lunch outing at the restaurant, right?