by Barb's voice heard

Created on: August 18, 2008   Last Updated: August 19, 2008

Surviving domestic violence doesn't just mean you have to live through it physically. It also means you have to survive emotionally. Is domestic violence just physical? NO it is not!
It is a sequence of degrading, intimidating and controlling your spouse or intimate partner
to the extent of fear. The fear of making a mistake, doing something "wrong". Going against the role that your spouse has in their head for their partner. When you finally figure that role to make him happy, he changes it. Woman can be abusers also, but the role man plays is much higher, as it has been for generations and even centuries.

The first step is being aware of your situation and getting help. Even if it only means to talk about the abuse and know that you are not alone. That there are things you can do to
make a difference. Don't hit back if you can help it, it only makes matter worse. They want to silence you and keep you down. They diminish the severity of the abuse, and ironically , so do you. They deplete your self esteem. That is where it hits you the most. It may take a long time for you to come foward, but do so. Your silence is there power. Your speaking out is your power. Call an abuse hotline, they are in the phone book. Sometimes community cneters in your area or a school which has a program for healthy families, families first. Make the call and set up a meeting whenever you can. I went to community counseling and then to Turning Point for domestic violence counseling.
I know this may be hard for the control may be for you not to have a car or a cell phone,
but with continually asking respectfully you may get a phone. I did. It became a necessity to make the relationship look normal, or should I say a healthy relationship. I was not allowed to use a computer for 3 1/2 years because my husband didn't want me to see our finances. It was another means of control.
Financial abuse is rampant, especially in rural areas. There aren't enough jobs to support yourself, or that is what you think. There is always a way. You have to start slow. Save money any way you can, you may need it someday. It will also help to build up your self esteem that has been stripped away time after time. Believe in yourself, never give up hope. I am still with my husband, I am still surviving. One day I hope I can be an equal.In his eyes, not mine. I already see that I am an equal and worthy of trust and respect.
I will continue to work on my goal and seek counseling and do whatever it takes to accomplish this goal. I have two children, who I am trying to set an example for. I have them in counseling also, so that they can have the knowledge that I have and not to repeat the cycle of abuse. It will stop with me and my children. I pray it will for others that are out there on a wing and a prayer. Tell someone you can trust and get help. Try to get your spouse or intimate partner to get help to build his relationship, and learn compassion and stop abusing. They have to go separately from you so that they can work on themself. If they don't you still can go yourself. After all, marrried or not, you are still a person in there worthy of trust and respect and Love. Love is not abuse. If nothing seems to work or it is getting worse, or already is, seek help and start the process of detangling this web. You can do it!
Speak out and don't live in fear and silence. Become yourself again and live, not just survive.

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