by Alexander Natiku

Created on: August 18, 2008   Last Updated: July 09, 2011

Survival of suicide is a very complex process. Unlike the grieving of someone who just 'passes", which mostly we believe is as an act of God, Suicide is different. It is a sacrilegious act for most of us to comprehend. Although all the questions of "why, and who knew and how terrible..." flood our minds, the underlying emotion is fear. We are afraid of the thought of someone taking their life. It is illegal in many countries - certainly this one. But what we subconsciously fear most is, the act against God - as with the concept of the Garden of Eden and how Adam and Eve "turned against God". While it is a mostly a western or Judeo-Christian concept, it strikes us most viscerally about life and afterlife. It cuts to the core of what we believe about ourselves and our humanity. It is as if that person, against the wishes of God, defiantly takes their own lives. That is scary and incomprehensible.

Although mostly desperate, alone, depressed, and possibly a form of mental illness, it is construed by most of us as a very tragic, and possibly not a deliberate act - maybe an accident. There are some examples of organisms and animals that do take their own lives, but we disconnect from this. That person, our fellow human being,is doing something so horrific to us that we stand in awe. Before we can "survive" the suicide, we must come to some terms with it. We negotiate a reason, even if there is none available - he or she must have been miserable, unhappy, totally without real understanding of what they were doing. But in reality, we are trying to find a reason that we can "accept" so that we can move on and live with the notion - at least on the surface.

It has been ten years since I lost a relative to this - curse? I went through all the emotions of horror, disbelief, innumerable tears, blame, regret, anger, and a myriad of reactions - or maybe convulsions to try to put into focus what this meant. After a decade I have no more a clue of what happened then I did then. But as a result I became more introspective, not retrospective. I started to empathize rather than just focus on the cathartic reactions I had initially. Yes, intellectually I still wonder and want to have an answer. But emotionally I have come to terms with the fact that we all have this tremendous power and it should be channeled carefully. Never mind that the people who are left behind are touched forever by this one action in many different ways. It does change you and perhaps that change can be good. For me, I learned that all I could do is try to help someone else possibly avoid this in the future. Therefore I joined in volunteer work to be there for those who might need someone to talk to.

Perhaps surviving suicide is very much about how we, individually, see the world. The daily drama, trauma, and challenges we meet and deal with are similar to how we handle this loss. We are not all equipped with the same amount of understanding, compassion, or willingness to help others. But somehow, this experience can bring out the best in us to help our fellowman in pain or despair. We are very social beings, and as such, we need the support, help and love of a circle of family and friends to make us feel that we are not alone. For the suicide survivor, there are support groups and people that care. I guess, in the end, it is a matter of free will - for those who take their lives, and for those left to deal with the aftermath.

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