by Laura Leigh Fields

Created on: August 17, 2008

For better or worse: I married an alcoholic. Unfortunately, there has been more of the worse than the better. It doesn't mean that I love him any less than I did when I said, "I do". It just means that his abuse of alcohol has led to a lot of marital problems.

There are many ways (both big and small) that alcohol abuse can lead to marital problems. An alcoholic is like a baby. They don't want to do anything for themselves. They expect everyone to cater to his or her needs. Their alcoholism causes them to believe that they are above the law. They make and break their own rules.

Many alcoholics have trouble with blame. They want to put the fault on everyone but themselves. They accept very little responsibility for anything. They conveniently forget important things and they change the situation or the story so that they seem like a victim. They drink so much that they truly believe this is the truth.

Alcohol controls the person that is consuming it. In return, the spouse must control the things around them. This can be through many forms of abuse, infidelity, and violence. Living with an alcoholic can sometimes be like living with a dictator. They must have things their way and no other. They long to dominate something the way alcohol dominates them.

The constant desire for alcohol can get expensive and this means more pressure on the spouse. For an alcoholic, one drink is never enough. The spouse is forced to work double-shifts to support a habit they loathe. They may even go without basic items and needs just so that their spouse can have a drink.

Just as an alcoholic is powerless over addiction, their spouse is powerless over their alcoholism. They can beg, plead, or enable but when it comes down to it, they can't change their spouse. The spouse of an alcoholic often gets so used to the situation that they are too blind to see the big picture. They look for reasons to justify the alcoholic's behavior. They pacify and enable. They do what they can just to get by.

The alcoholism will cause the spouse to live with many different types of fear. They fear their spouse's mood swings. They fear that their world is still going to keep crumbling down around them. They fear that things will only get worse. They fear that they will never have anything in life. Worse of all, they fear that their alcoholic spouse is never going to change. They wonder why their spouse doesn't love them enough to quit. They worry that when their partner does quit it will only because they died drinking.

In many cases, this can lead up to pent up emotions. They push things to the back of their mind and paint on a forced smile. Before too long, they will become depressed and just give up. They get tired of feeling like a slave in their own home. They secretly wish for a way out yet they don't know how to go about it. They may not have the resources or the strength to just walk away so they stay in the situation just for the stability of it.

It's not easy living and dealing with an alcoholic. You can accept it for what it is but it doesn't make things any easier. Both people may not drink but the alcohol still finds a way to control them. A spouse's alcoholism doesn't just affect your relationship. It also affects your life.

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